Luigi
by Walkazo
Summary: Something is rotten in the Mushroom Kingdom. Peach and Bowser are married, and Mario's ghost has commanded Luigi to set things right. But with Koopalings and Warios causing trouble, is it any wonder that the man in green is slowly losing his sanity? A modern, "Mario" take on Shakespeare's "Hamlet".
1. Introduction

**Disclaimer: The **_**Mario**_** characters do not belong to me, they belong to Nintendo. The plot doesn't belong to me either, it's based on **_**Hamlet**_**, the quotable play by William Shakespeare. This goes for the whole story, and I shall not say it again.**

**Author's Note: I wrote a **_**Mario**_** adaptation of Shakespeare's **_**Richard **__**III**_** because I felt the characters were a perfect fit, and rewriting the play really helped me understand it on whole new levels, which was a bonus for my schoolwork. Last year we did **_**Hamlet**_** in English class, and seeing as writing **_**Bowser **__**II**_** had been so much fun, I decided to do the same to that play. However, it took me months to come up with a characterization that made sense, and even then it didn't seem to mesh as well as it did with **_**Richard **__**III**_**. Therefore, I eventually decided to take a more humorous approach at writing **_**Luigi**_**, and it reads like a **_**Hamlet**_** parody. I then found myself too overwhelmed by homework to write the story last year, and I might never have taken on the initiative to write the whole thing months later had a friend not urged me onward. So I took advantage of the homework-less first week of winter break, and wrote the parody.**

**Rated T for violence, character death, coarse language and mature themes.**

First of all, here's the cast of characters showing which _Mario_ characters (in bold) are playing which Shakespearean characters. For those of you who aren't familiar with _Hamlet_, I've also included a bit of exposition about Shakespeare's characters, though these relationships don't necessarily translate into _Luigi_. Still, it should help anyone who _does_ know _Hamlet_ see what I've done to the story, and I hope you shan't be disappointed.

Cast of Characters

**The Danes:**

Hamlet, Prince of Denmark: **Luigi**  
Old Hamlet, his dead father: **Mario  
**Gertrude, his mother: **Peach**  
Horatio, his best friend: **Ludwig**  
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, his other friends: **Iggy and Lemmy** (**Bowser Jr.** once)  
Claudius, Old Hamlet's brother who then married Gertrude: **Bowser**

Polonius, Claudius' friend and second-in-command: **Wario**  
Laertes, his son: **Waluigi**  
Ophelia, his daughter: **Daisy**  
Reynaldo, his servant / a sailor / a messenger: **Larry**

Marcellus, a guard: **Roy**  
Bernardo, another guard / a gentleman: **Wendy**  
Francisco, another guard: **Toad**  
Cornelius and Voltimand, the ambassadors: **Kammy  
**Gentleman / a guard: **Toadette  
**Osric, a servant / a Lord: **Morton**  
Priest: **King Boo**  
Grave-Diggers: **Hammer Bros.**  
Yorick, a deceased court jester: **Toadsworth**

**The Foreigners:**

Fortinbras, Prince of Norway: **Prince** **Peasley**  
Fortinbras of Norway, his dead father: **Queen Bean**  
Old Norway, his ailing uncle: **Kamek  
**Captain, his second-in-command: **Fawful**

The pirates: **King K. Rool **and the** Kremlings**  
English ambassadors: **Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong**  
Actors: **Yoshi** and the **Yoshis**

**All other characters are not listed (i.e. attendants, etc.).**

Everything about why certain people are allies will be explained in the story, so don't worry. And, even though it is a bit obvious, Denmark is a conglomerate of Sarasaland, and the Koopa and Mushroom Kingdoms; Donkey Kong Island and its surroundings are England and Norway is represented by the Beanbean Kingdom.

Also, I am perfectly aware that I have used the same characters in _Luigi_ as I did in _Bowser __II_ – in fact, I did it on purpose. Some characters who appeared in _Bowser __II_ but who are not listed in this cast (as it is much smaller than _Richard __III_'s personae) will appear as background characters. Another similarity between the characterization of the two Shakespeare fics is that the Koopalings are adults, but will not be described; just picture them as they are in the games, or use your imagination, either one will work for the story.

Finally, I shall address something that always comes up about my stories: I give Mario a thick Italian accent and leave Luigi's lines alone. The _real _reason I do it is because I like to make Mario into more of a comical character, with Luigi as the under-appreciated voice of reason. The _in-story_ explanation is Luigi spent more time with their mother, while Mario hung out with their father, who was the one with the accent, which therefore rubbed off on Mario more than Luigi. I love contrived cop-outs.

Now, on to the story!


	2. Act I Scene i

**A/N****: I had to totally make up the stuff about Prince Peasley and the wedding to create a viable reason why he's the antagonist. I also poked fun of how the scene started at midnight and ended at dawn in **_**Hamlet**_** – Shakespeare evidently had a warped sense of time.**

Luigi

Act I. Scene i.

"Helllloooo!"

"Whoa!" Toad nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound. He faced the inky darkness covering the castle roof, his arms shaking from fear as he pointed his spear at the unseen danger. "Wh- who's there?"

"Long live the King!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Uh! It's me, Wendy O. Koopa."

"Why didn't you say-so in the first place?" whined Toad. "Do you want to give me a heart-attack?"

"Maybe," sneered Wendy, appearing through the midnight fog.

Toad scowled, before stifling a yawn. "Man I'm tired, I can't wait to get out of this cold and into my nice warm bed…"

"Don't rub it in," grumbled Wendy, as she took Toad's place at the sentry station. As the mushroom boy walked away, she called out to him. "Hey! If you see Ludwig and Roy, tell them to get their lazy butts up here! I'm not doing the ghost-watch alone!"

"Whatever!" waved Toad. He walked through the mists, looking out at the silent courtyard below; the lamps positioned along the main path glittered through the cold, damp air. The stark lights illuminated the leafless trees, and their branches looked like skeletal arms. Toad shuddered, and for the second time that night, he heard someone approaching. "Stop! Who goes there?"

"True Loyalists!"

"And Faithful Soldiers!"

"Sheesh, what's with all the cryptic answers?" growled Toad under his breath. He called back to them, "just say you're freaking names!"

"_Someone_'s cranky," joked Roy, turning the corner with Ludwig. "Ain't you off duty?"

"Yeah, Wendy's out there now. Have fun," Toad passed the Koopalings and turned into the stairwell. The Koopas and Mushroomians may have been allies for a while now, but he still didn't care for chitchatting with Bowser's spawn.

The Koopalings were used to lukewarm receptions, and continued on their way without paying Toad any mind. Silhouetted against the courtyard lights below, Roy caught sight of his sister before she saw him and his brother. "Yo! Wendy!"

"About time!" she snapped. "I can't believe you talked me into this _two nights in a row_!" She squinted through the darkness towards the approaching figures. "Ludwig here too?"

"Unfortunately," smiled Ludwig.

"He tinks we're bein' delusional," scoffed Roy.

"What?" Wendy couldn't believe her ears. "But lots of us saw it! Multiple times! I wouldn't be here tonight if I hadn't seen it the first time!"

"I have read zee reports," said Ludwig, "zey are nossing like any ozzer account I have heard – any _verified_ account. I even talked to E. Gadd, he agreed it's highly unlikely zere's anysing here. He says it's probably stress."

"That's a load of crap!" protested Wendy. "We're serious, ask anyone! Didn't you see Toad, he was seriously freaked!"

"He's alvays freaked, ever since-"

"_Woooooooo!!!!! Pastaaaa!!_"

The three Koopalings paled. Roy suddenly shouted. "Look! Ova dere!"

"You see? We told you!" hissed Wendy.

Ludwig nodded in disbelief. "Zat is indeed… Mario."

"_Mamma Mia!_" cried the specter, floating above the roof in the shadow of a turret, safe from the faint courtyard lights. It was the spitting image of Mario, but translucent and silver, with an air of melancholy foreign to the plumber's disposition. "_I'm-a-hungryyyy!!!_"

"Well? Don't just stand dere like an idiot! Talk ta it!"

Roy gave Ludwig a shove towards the ghost. The eldest Koopaling swallowed hard, and opened his mouth to speak. "Vat do you vant?"

"_Oh nooooo!!!_" replied the ghost, before fading away.

Roy sneered at Ludwig, "nice going!"

"Vell _sorry_. Didn't see _you_ trying to talk to it."

"At least you know it's real now," jeered Wendy.

"Indeed, it is _very_ real… Zis is not good," mused Ludwig.

"Why? Does it have sometin' ta do wid Peasley?" asked Roy.

"Prince Peasley? Of the Beanbean Kingdom? What's he got to do with Mario?" asked Wendy, who never cared enough for politics to bother doing her own research.

"Nossing besides all zee extra guards around here," said Ludwig, waving an arm over the rooftop. Peasley's mother, Queen Bean had died of a heart attack while eating a piece of cake at Mario and Peach's wedding earlier that year. As if that wasn't bad enough, Mario inadvertently added insult to injury by eating the rest of the piece that had finished her off. Peasley – a stickler for etiquette, manners and overall prim-and-properness – was outraged, and vowed revenge.

It would have blown over, had Mario simply apologized in time, but the Star Spirits evidently weren't on the Mushroomians' sides, for a third party became involved. Earlier at the party, Fawful approached Peasley to ask for a pardon: the little Bean had assisted Cackletta in her attempted takeover of Peasley's kingdom many years before, and had been forced into hiding beneath Peach's castle ever since. Needless to say, Peasley turned him down, and Fawful returned to the sewers dejected, but glad he had tried all the same. And he had become even happier about his seemingly futile effort, when Peasley turned up at Fawful's secret Bean N' Badge store, in need of a companion who knew how to lead an army into battle.

"Is he _still_ preparing to attack?" said Wendy in surprise. "That was _months_ ago! And besides, Mario's dead; Peasley doesn't have a problem with King Dad, so why attack us _now_?"

"He's still blinded by sorrow and rage," sighed Ludwig. "Zee scars haven't healed yet, and zey von't do so any time soon vit Fawful egging him on all night and day."

"But still…"

"Ya gotta remember," started Roy, "Peasely spent da last few months buildin' up an army. While Mario and Peach were convincing our broken-hearted King Dad to **make** an alliance wid 'em, Peasley was getting' ready to **break** his."

"He's been raising a lot of support vit zee Sarasaland deserters - saying it vas wrong for zee Mushroom-Koopa Kingdom to assimilate zeir land," added Ludwig.

"Well, I'd have to agree with him there," said Wendy honestly. "I mean, the Warios staged a coup, and Peach and Bowser were fine with that? Peach and Daisy used to be friends, but she's letting Wario boss Daisy around like she was a servant!" Wendy paused for a moment, "and why does _Daisy_ put up with it, anyway? I thought _Peach_ was the wimp."

"It vas eizer zat, or a nasty 'accident'," spat Ludwig.

"Daisy's a coward," snorted Roy, "I would've chosen death to servitude in a heartbeat."

Wendy shook her head, switching back to the matter at hand. "But I still don't see what any of this has to do with Mario."

"Ghosts are people who have unfinished business to attend to in zee realm of zee living," explained Ludwig. "And vile Mario probably left some pasta or somezing he vanted to eat, it _could_ be somezing serious. And considering zee country's precarious position, zat could be _very_ bad."

"Oh…"

They fell silent, then a voice cracked through he night: "Crikey!"

"Crud! Speak o' da devil!" exclaimed Roy, as the group turned to see Mario's ghost floating above the shingled roof.

Ludwig stepped forward and tried to speak to the ghost once again. "Vat's wrong!?! Vy are you here?!"

"Let's-a-go!" responded Mario.

"Go vere? Is somezing going to happen to zee kingdom? Answer me!"

"_On noooo!!_" cried the ghost.

"You already said _dat_!" sneered Roy.

"Don't _antagonize_ him!" gasped Ludwig.

"Like _you_ were doin' any betta!"

"Boys!" snapped Wendy. The Koopalings looked around to see that Mario had vanished. "It took off while you guys were arguing – when that rooster called!"

"What rooster?" asked Roy.

"The one that called just now. You were too busy fighting to hear it."

"Vee veren't fighting _zat_ long, nor not _zat_ loudly," huffed Ludwig.

"Besides, what's a chicken doing callin' in da middle o' da night?" said Roy.

"Yeah…" agreed Wendy, puzzled. "I thought they only sing at dawn."

"Actually, roosters can crow at any time of day, and on nights vit a bright, full moon," explained Ludwig.

"Oh yeah, because tonight's _soooo_ mooney," said Wendy, rolling her eyes up at the pitch-black sky.

"Hmmm, good point."

"Whateva!" said Roy, "da important ting is, how's da cock related to da ghost?"

"Vell," said Ludwig, "like you guys, most people take its call as a signal for zee approaching dawn, and sunlight and ghosts do not mix…"

"Makes sense," nodded Wendy, "though it'd make more sense if they just looked at a clock – then they wouldn't have to worry about cracked-out birds singing at night, like this one."

Ludwig chose to ignore that statement. "Human mysology also says roosters get rid of demons-"

"Like _The Exorcist_?" said Wendy. "I love that movie!"

"Bah! Superstitious nonsense, dat's what I tink of yer squawkin' roosters!" argued Roy. "It's more likely dat Mario ran off ta _eat_ da chicken!"

"That's stupid," scoffed Wendy.

"Vell, vatever zee reason vy he left is, vone sing's for sure: he'll be back," said Ludwig, before turning back to Roy. "Vee might as vell tell Luigi. It's _his _brozzer, so he might be able to get srough to him."

"Yeah, sure. C'mon – I know where his room is," said Roy, turning to leave.

"Um, guys!" called Wendy.

The Dragon-Koopas stopped, and Roy hung his head over his shoulder, "_what?_"

"If you'll recall, you signed us up for the _entire_ graveyard shift: We still have _five hours of watch_ left!"

"Crud."


	3. Act I Scene ii

**A/N****: **_**Hamlet**_** is Shakespeare's longest play, and I have taken so much pleasure in hacking away at his epic monologues and soliloquies, which those of you familiar with the play will surely notice. However, I did try to leave in as many of the famous quotes intact as I could, because it really is amazing how many expressions came from this one piece of work.**

Act I. Scene ii.

Bowser stood in front of a massive crowd of Toads, Koopas and a myriad of other species. He had just been coronated King of all the land. The Mushroom Kingdom and the Koopa Kingdoms were no more; now they and Sarasaland were part of one empire, with Bowser at its helm. At his side, Peach beamed at the happy crowd and the promise of peace. _Queen Peach Koopa_. Bowser still couldn't get over it! But he would have to wait to celebrate _that_ triumph – right now, his people demanded his attention.

"You lot probably want a speech!" he called. The Koopas cheered; the rest waited with bated breath, eager to finally hear their latest despot's official proclamation about their last king. Bowser knew this, and he had planned for it. "Well forget it! All I've to say is that I'm sorry Mario died too. After all those years of trying to kill him, a heart attack beat me to the punch!" Hundreds of eyes stared up at Bowser in disbelief. "I'm only joking! Look, this is a time of peace, not age-old blood feuds. Even if he was alive, I wouldn't hold a grudge against Mario any more – I'm too old for it!" The Koopalings in the crowd snickered at that, and Kammy smiled. "Besides, we signed a treaty before he kicked the bucket, and now to cement that bond and stand strong in the face of Peasley's little revolt, Peach and I are married…" Bowser took his new wife's hand, "for **real**, this time."

Peach blushed and chucked at the memory; so many years had gone by since then…

Bowser ploughed onward with his not-a-speech. "Anyway, I've got a great way to get rid of Peasley all together. My advisor Kamek has retired in the Beanbean Kingdom as a hypnotist, so I'm gonna send my other advisor – his sister, Kammy – to tell him to wipe Peasley's mind clean of his invasion plan. Instead, Kamek will divert him west, to Jewelry Land. Bwa ha ha!"

Kammy stepped forward, "Your Coronatedness, I'll be honored to leave immediately."

"Good," said Bowser, "Because I told you to go **three hours ago**. Well, ceremony's over, and so is your excuse for staling, so get outta here! **Now**!" Kammy scurried away. Bowser looked at Peach with a smile on his face. "All in good fun, of course!"

Peach returned the grin, but shook her head as she did so. She never understood Bowser and Kammy's strange relationship: it brought the love-hate notion to whole new levels.

Bowser turned and sat down in the throne, with Peach following suit. The King looked back over the crowd, taking in the faces in the front row. Out of all his children, only Morton and Bowser Jr. were present, as was King Boo; but Bowser paid them no mind as he caught sight of the Warios. "Oh right! Waluigi, you wanted to ask me something?"

The elf-eared human stood up, his gangly frame reeking of anorexia as he slouched over to the throne. "Um, yeah I-"

"Come on! Speak up!" said Bowser impatiently, before realizing it could make him look brash. To save face he added, "ask me anything!"

"Okay, you see-"

"Well, not _anything_," continued Bowser. "Be _reasonable_, at least. Come on, speak up!"

"I want-"

"Spit it out already!"

"I **was**!"

"Hey, don't snap at your King!" Bowser was thoroughly enjoying teasing Waluigi. He had been spending the last few months pussyfooting around, making sure he didn't offend the Mushroomians in any way, or risk having the delicate political situation explode in his face. But Bowser knew for a fact that the majority of his new people hated the Warios for their seizure of Sarasaland, so he could go after them with no problem. Wario was the dominant one, and he was perfectly happy ruling under Bowser as long as he got a big enough cut of taxes. He also didn't care what the king did to his hapless brother, and Bowser took full advantage of his apathy.

"Look, I just wanna go to the Waffle Kingdom!" cried Waluigi.

"Why didn't you say-so?" said Bowser, as Waluigi simmered with rage. "Are you okay with this, Wario, or do you want him around to help with the paperwork?"

"Nah, he can go," said Wario, half-asleep in his seat.

"Great, in that case, you can vamoose too," said Bowser. He would be sorry to see his resident court-jester leave… But then again, he had Peach to occupy his time now…

"Oh yeah!" cheered Waluigi. "I'm tha weenar!"

"Oookay," said Bowser, cocking an eyebrow as Waluigi trotted down the red carpet in the middle of Mushroom Castle's throne room and disappeared through the oaken doors. "Moving on… Luigi! My new step ex-brother in law!" called Bowser, not altogether sure on how he and the green plumber were related, but eager to get on good terms with him all the same.

Luigi was far less enthusiastic as he stood brooding by the side-door. At Bowser's comment, he grinned bitterly. "A little more than kin, and less than kind."

"Huh? Don't talk to yourself," chastised Bowser. "Why are you still so unhappy?"

"My brother died!"

"My first wife died, but _I_ moved on," countered Bowser.

"That's because you're heartless," muttered the plumber.

"Luigi, Bower's right," said Peach. "These things happen, and you can't let them end your life. We have to move on – Mario would've wanted that."

"Yeah! Cheer up!" said Bowser, smiling at Luigi with as much joviality as he could muster without hurling. "Think of me as your big brother now! And to show just how great a brother I can be, I'm making you my heir!"

Bowser and Peach had decided on that many weeks ago, around the same time they decided to get married. They felt it would help convince people to accept Bowser as part of their kingdom, and strengthen the amalgamated country even more than their wedding alone could. Bowser Jr. had put up a bit of a fuss, but the older Koopalings didn't care; and to appease his youngest, Bowser agreed to hand over the keys to Dark Land as soon as Junior turned twenty and became a legal adult. The paperwork had already gone through save for Bowser and Peach's stamps as King and Queen, but somehow, the whole thing was news to Luigi. "But… I wanted to go to the Waffle Kingdom too!"

"Please don't, Luigi," beseeched Peach. "It would mean so much to me – to us – if you stayed…"

Luigi sighed, "fine Peach, I'll stay… _for you_."

"Great! Now, let's go test those new Bullet Bill Blasters! We'll give those Kremling pirates something to worry about! Bwa ha ha!" The crowd cheered as Bowser got to his feet and drew Peach down the steps and across the carpet to the doors. They followed the path taken by Kammy and Waluigi, and the crowd flowed after them. The room was empty in a matter of minutes, save for Luigi, who remained ashen-faced beside the vacated thrones.

"Oh that this too too sullied flesh would melt, thaw and resolve itself into a dew. I wish I could disappear! I would do it myself if the Star Spirits hadn't decided suicide was a one-way ticket to the Underwhere. What is there left on this world for me? Nothing! It's nothing but a rank and putrid garden, like the barren trees in the courtyard. The flowers are weeds, the gardeners are… are… oh forget it!" Luigi held a gloved hand up to his temples as he turned away from Peach and Bowser's golden perches.

"_Two months_ – no, not even that long – and she remarried! After all those time Mario rescued her, and she left him still warm in his grave and married the reason she had needed his heroics in the first place! Bowser! That monster! It's a disgrace to Mario's memory to even think the one he loved would sink so low. Frailty, thy name is women! _Two months_!"

Luigi heard footsteps approaching the side door. He sighed, "nothing good will come of this. But break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue."

The door swung open, and Luigi was pleasantly surprised to find it was Ludwig who entered, flanked by Roy and Wendy. Luigi couldn't understand why, but he had grown to like the eldest Koopaling. Perhaps it was because Ludwig listened to Luigi's problems, and never viewed him as the second-banana even when Mario was alive. Ludwig himself attributed that skill to juggling the egos of seven siblings, but Luigi didn't care about the why, only the what. And that what was friendship.

"I sought I heard your dulcet tones," deadpanned Ludwig. "Still soliloquizing, I see."

"More like talking to himself," muttered Roy, as Wendy smirked in agreement.

Ludwig turned to look at his lippy brother, "zats vat 'soliloquizing' means."

"Den why didn't ya say-so in da first place?"

"I vas being polite!"

Luigi strategically ignored Roy's barbs. "Ludwig! I'm so glad to see you! But I thought Bowser wanted you to keep shop over in Dark Land until Junior could take the throne?"

"Zere's no vay I'd spend zee next decade cooped up in zat _hole_ vile my family and friends lived it up here – I asked to come out," explained Ludwig.

"If you wanted to come for the weather, you would hardly have visited in the dead of winter," said Luigi suspiciously. "Surely you're not here for the wedding?"

Ludwig shook his head. He had been against Bowser and Peach's wedding; it was one of the things that had drawn Luigi to his companionship back when Ludwig was still living with Bowser in Mushroom Castle.

"And I know better than to think you're here for the funeral," continued Luigi.

Ludwig blinked. "Zat vas _two monsz ago_." He stopped himself from adding that he _had_ been there, lest Roy and Wendy's insistence that the green plumber was losing his sanity was correct: Ludwig didn't want to be the one to send him off the deep end.

"Exactly!" cried Luigi, but he didn't elaborate on his point as he dramatically whirled past the three Koopalings and cried to the closed doors. "Oh! How I miss him! I see him everywhere!"

"Mario!?" gaped Ludwig, slapping Roy so that he stopped twirling his fingers beside his head. Wendy had to bite her lip to keep herself from giggling at the burly Koopaling's antics. "Vere do you see him?"

Luigi was blissfully unaware of the latest sibling quibble as he sighed his response, "in my mind's eye."

"Vell, vee saw him vit our **actual** eyes," said Ludwig.

"What are you talking about?"

"Mario."

"Mario!?"

"Yes, Mario," said Ludwig. "He's been appearing nightly, according to Roy – he told me about it a few days ago, and last night I saw your brozzer's spirit vit my own eyes."

"But… Mario?"

"Alright already!" growled Roy exasperatedly. "It's Mario. As a ghost. Out on da roof. At midnight. Got dat?"

"A g- ghost?" Luigi paled, he was scared silly by the undead.

"Yep," said Wendy, tired of simply watching the show. "He kept making those stupid exclamations he always loved – like a transparent parrot."

"T-t-transparent?"

"Translucent, actually," corrected Ludwig. "Anyvay, vee couldn't understand vat he vas trying to tell us, and vee figured you could."

"_Me!?_" gasped Luigi.

"Yeah, you _are_ his brother, aren't you?" sneered Wendy.

"I guess…"

"You _guess_?" Roy frowned, but moved on. "Well, you betta get yer priorities straight by tonight, or you'll get even less outta Mario den Luddy."

Ludwig snorted at the jibe, and Luigi started to quake in fear. "T-tonight?"

"Yes, vee have to find out vat's up as soon as possible – Mario's presence could mean somezing bad is about to happen," said Ludwig.

"Why?" said Luigi, his eyes wide. "Did Mario look mad? Or vengeful?"

"He looked… like… Mario – determined and hungry," shrugged Wendy.

"He even ran off ta eat some chicken!" added Roy.

"No he didn't," said Wendy in disbelief at her brother's simplicity.

"Chicken?" Luigi was confused. "What chicken?"

"Just ignore zem," said Ludwig, switching subjects back to _important_ matters: "so vee'll see you tonight?"

"Um… Yeah… I guess I… I have to come," said Luigi after a moment.

"Damn right you hafta come!" grumbled Roy. "Or I'll come and drag ya outta bed myself. Dis ghost is seriously messin' wid my guards: da sooner it goes on its merry way, da better."

"Amen to that, brother," agreed Wendy, as the two left the throne room.

"Vee'll meet you at eleven," said Ludwig, turning to follow his siblings.

"Okay," said Luigi quietly. "Bye!" The door closed, and he was alone. He turned and doubled over, holding his stomach and rocking back and forth in panic. "Oh crap! Oh crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!" He stared at the floor as his mind reeled and raced. "Mario's ghost? Here? It can't be! Oh, why me? Why **me**!?"

He took a shuddering breath, and stood up straight. "There's been foul play, I'm sure of it. But I'll have to be patient. I'll figure them out yet, and everything will be alright again. No ghosts. No Bowser. No… _everything_. Oh,_ why_ _me_?"


	4. Act I Scenes iii and iv

**A/N****: Like with **_**Bowser II**_**, I'm grouping many of the short scenes in **_**Luigi**_** together. Trust me, it works better this way.**

**In the first scene, I had to mess around with Daisy and the Warios in order to create something that even **_**resembled**_** Polonius' family in **_**Hamlet**_**: I know it's far-fetched, but it's the best I could do.**

**The second scene is a bit longer. Once again, the many differences between Wario and Polonius are the bulk of the alterations I've made. I not only added a heap of derision on them from the other characters, but I decided a bit more exposition about them here as well. I was able to explain some stuff about the Koopalings' lots at the same time, so it was like killing two birds with one stone.**

Act I. Scene iii.

"Hey, hey! Daisy, coming to say good-bye?" leered Waluigi.

"Hardly," said the ex-princess. The only reason she had come to the docks was to scope out any boats that could get _her_ away from Wario; Waluigi's departure was just a convenient excuse.

"Oh, but of course you'll write ta me? Whenever the winds are favorable!"

"Of course!" smiled Daisy. "… Not!"

Waluigi frowned and leaned in so as not to be overheard. "Listen here, sista-"

"Hah!" spat Daisy. True, she had been betrothed to Wario by her parents when they were still infants, but there was no way _she_ would acknowledge that. As soon as she became the ruler of Sarasaland, she had the arrangement vetoed, and forgot about it. Until Wario seized the Royal Council, and forcibly named himself Head-of-State, that is. He then reinstated King Floral's plans, saying it was treason that Daisy had denied her father's last wishes. Daisy made it clear she would never marry Wario, and the lecherous despot gave her a choice: she could accept the engagement, or she would be executed.

So Daisy sold out, and agreed to be bonded to Wario on paper only, but she would never say "I do" nor sign the papers to make Wario her King. She slept in her own bed, separated from her so-called "Fiancé" by two sets of locked doors and her own hand-picked guards. Daisy said she did it so she could remain at court and reason with Peach for fair treatment of her Sarasalandish people, as opposed to giving Wario and Bowser free reign. Or so she claimed.

"Don't be so un-lady-like," patronized Waluigi. "Though I wouldn't expect more from _you_."

"What's **that** supposed to mean?"

"Stay away from that Luigi," said Waluigi suddenly.

"_Excuse me_?" Daisy put her hands on her hips.

"You're Wario's girl now. Ya can't do nothing with nobody, think of tha scandal!"

"Oh I do, and it is sweet," grinned Daisy sadistically.

Waluigi pointed his finger and sneered "You'll learn ta like being a Wario. Forget the otha plumba."

"Don't tell me what to do," snapped Daisy, slapping away Waluigi's accusing hand. "Especially not when you have no morals yourself. You tell me to be 'faithful' to Wario, but I know you'd not speak one word of protest if I wished to cheat on him with _you_. And that's incest, 'brother'."

"Hah! So you admit-" Waluigi cut himself off mid-sentence as Wario appeared at the end of the dock. "Brotha!"

"Still hanging around, Waluigi? Get outta here!" ordered Wario. "Now rememba, don't trust _anyone_, don't make friends, don't do nothing! Neither a borrower nor a lender be – y'know, like Dad always said. And speaking of his old sayings: 'to thine own self be true', Waluigi. In other words, just take whatever ya want. And if you've **gotta** pick a fight, _kill_ the otha guy."

"Don't I always? Wa ha ha!" joked Waluigi, shouldering his pack and stepping onto the gangplank of the waiting schooner. "Oh, and Daisy, I've got _your _number!"

Waluigi pointed from his eyes to Daisy, and trotted up and over onto the ship. As it pulled away from the dock, Wario turned to the girl. "What'd he mean by _that_?"

"Oh nothing," sighed Daisy, turning away from the ocean. "I'm just having a tryst with Luigi, is all."

"Very funny," frowned Wario. "But you better stay away from him!" Daisy rolled her eyes. "I mean, think of what people would say if he beat me to tha punch, as it were, with my own wife!?"

"I'm not your wife," snarled Daisy.

"You're lucky I'm a patient man," hissed Wario, so that only Daisy could here. She had started walking back to the pier, but she paused before she reached the end of the deserted dock, her back to Wario. "Bowser has lotsa resources: drugs, magic. If I wanted to, I'd have you here and now. Remember that, and stay away from Luigi, or my patience will run out."

Daisy held her head high, and started on her way once more. "Go to Hell."

Act I. Scene iv.

"Man it's cold!" whined Luigi, rubbing his hands together as he, Ludwig and Roy awaited the ghost on the rooftop.

"Very," agreed the eldest Koopaling. Fortunately for him and his brother, Dragon-Koopas were warmed by the energy that gave them fire breath. Most people called them cold-blooded, but nothing could be further from the truth.

"What t-t-t-time is it?" asked Luigi, his teeth chattering, though whether it was from fear or merely the frozen night was hard to tell.

"You're zee vone vit zee vatch," responded Ludwig.

"Oh, right…" muttered Luigi sheepishly. Suddenly an explosion was heard from below; Luigi yelped in fear.

"What da Underwhere was **dat**!?" shouted Roy in alarm.

"Um… Bowser's holding a w-weapons demonstration in the main hall," said Luigi, his heart still hammering as he recovered from the scare. "Wario's hosting a drinking competition t-t-too, and the Stars know what else is going on down there!" He scowled at Roy and Ludwig, as if _they_ had been responsible for his embarrassing overreaction to the distant commotion. "Honestly, if you Koopas act like this at all your parties, it's no wonder you have so many enemies… Um, n-no offense!" he added hastily, catching sight of Roy's face.

Ludwig snorted. "Wario's responsible for the majority of the ornery behavior as of late, and _he's _**human**."

"Really?" said Luigi as he rubbed his hands together for warmth. "I always thought he was a p-pig."

"Hah! Good one," grinned Roy. While the Koopalings didn't have as much reason to hate Wario as Luigi and his jilted love, the man was the reason they were running around _working_. Roy liked guard-duty, but he resented being told he had to do it by a portly, greedy human; and he stood by his siblings who _didn't_ like what they were assigned, like Wendy. Wario convinced Bowser it was to "build character" and help "integrate the Koopan royalty into Mushroomian society", but everyone else thought it was a load of crap.

Luigi smiled faintly, but his face was immediately drained of all colour as he raised a shaking arm and pointed behind the two Koopalings. "It's- It's-"

"Mario!" gasped Roy and Ludwig in unison as they whirled around.

"_Paaastaaa!!!_" replied the ghost.

Keeping an eye on the ghost, Ludwig circled around and gave Luigi a shove. "Go on, vat does he vant?"

Luigi stumbled forward, past Roy who was also backing up. He came to a teetering stop as his legs turned to jelly. The ghost looked down at him, his face unreadable. "Um… B-bro? Or- or are you a- a thing of evil? …P-p-please, w-whatever you are, why are you h-here? …P-please tell me. W-why have y-your spirit r-risen from the g-g-g-"

"Shadup and let it speak!" barked Roy.

Luigi shot the Koopaling a terrified look, nearly jumping out of his skin as Mario spoke: "_Weeeegieee!!_" The younger plumber whirled around, and his legs finally gave way. He stared up at the ghost, trying his best not to faint. "_I_…"

"Yes!" whispered Ludwig with bated breath.

"_Want_…"

Both Koopalings leaned forward in anticipation.

"… _Pastaaaa!!!_"

"What a rip-off!" cried Roy in frustration.

Ludwig paid him no mind and called to Luigi. "It's zee sorta sing he vas saying last night, can you understand vat it means?"

"I- I think so," stuttered Luigi, his eyes still fixed on his pearly white brother. "I used to cook the pasta… I th-think he wants me to g-g-go w-with him.

"Vell zen, you better get up and get going!" ordered Ludwig.

"WHAT!?" yelped Luigi, finally directing his fearful gaze from his brother, and onto the impassive Koopalings. "But what if it's an _evil_ ghost? Or something? My life's crap, but I don't-"

"_Weegie_!" called the ghost, and his poor brother wheeled back around. "I'm-a-waiting!"

"Heh, rude," sneered Roy out of the corner of his mouth.

"Don't kid yourself, vee're _much_ vorse," joked Ludwig.

"Guys! Please!" begged Luigi, shakily getting to his feet as he looked to the Koopalings for help. "He could lure me off the castle wall in all this fog! Or into the moat!"

"You've been srough vorse," noted Ludwig.

"And besides, only an idiot would fall for _dat_ old trick," said Roy. "It didn't even work on Lemmy dat one time _we_ tried it out."

Ludwig grinned at the mischievous memory, but Luigi only paled as he realized they wouldn't bail him out. "But- but-"

"Enough whining!" growled Roy. "You wanna know what it wants, so **go**!"

"Oh, oh, oh, oh…" Luigi sounded like a skipping CD.

"Don't vorry! I'm sure it von't harm _you_, its own brozzer!" said Ludwig. He knew from experience how cruel siblings could be, but felt it was smarter to not mention that.

"…Oh, oh, oh, fine!" Luigi finally relented, and turned to find Mario was already floating away. "Mario! I- I'm c-c-coming!" He didn't know how, but Luigi found the energy to lunge forward into a trot, and follow his brother into the unknown.

The pair of Koopalings watched him disappear into the mist. After a moment, Ludwig turned to Roy. "So, shall vee?"

"I thought ya'd neva ask," grinned Roy, and the two set off to make sure Luigi actually _did_ complete his task, instead of running away, as usual.


	5. Act I Scene v

**A/N****: The biggest change is that I totally transposed the "There is something rotten in the state of Denmark" quote from the previous act to this one; I just felt it fit in better where I have it now then where I would have had to put it.**

Act I. Scene v.

"Uh, Mario? Where- where are we going?" asked Luigi, wading through the thick fog, unable to see anything beyond his ghostly brother.

"Listen to-a-me," said Mario.

"Uh…"

"I-a-hafta return to the-a-Underwhere."

"Oh, Mario-" Luigi started to console his brother, but he was cut off.

"Be quite Weegie! Listen! What I'm-a-going to tell you will-a-make you want to avenge me!"

"I doubt that," murmured Luigi, upset by his brother's brazen assertion.

"Murder most foul!" shouted Mario.

"What" Luigi stopped in his tracks and looked around in a panic. "Where?"

"Do you-a-love me?" demanded Mario, turning around to face his brother.

"Were you _murdered_?" gasped Luigi, realization slowly dawning in his face.

"_Yeeeesss!!!!_"

"Why didn't you say-so?"

"I did!"

"No, you just said 'murder most fowl', like that chicken last night," contested Luigi, remembering the mysterious midnight rooster explained to him earlier by the Koopalings as they waited for the ghost's appearance.

"_Chicken…_" moaned Mario.

Luigi gasped. Roy's theory that Mario left to eat the chicken the previous night had seemed flawed, but now Luigi thought he knew the _real_ answer. "Mario… So a _chicken_ killed you! That's why you ran away when you heard the rooster! Did you choke on a chicken bone?"

"No!" Mario looked annoyed.

"Did the fat from eating all those Bean-fried chickens give you that heart attack?"

"NO!"

Luigi held his hands to his mouth. "You weren't a cockfighter, were you? And the birds rose up and attacked, and then you had a nightmare and were so scared you died of fright?"

"**NO!!!**" bellowed the ghost. "Stop being-a-stupid and shut-a-up! It wasn't a chicken, it was-a-_Bowser_!"

"I knew it!" exclaimed Luigi. "I mean, I sorta figured it just was all those years of battling Bowser handing over me like a dark cloud and making me paranoid, but-"

"Yeah-a-yeah," waved Mario uninterestedly. "No one care's about _your_-a-problems. Listen to-a-_me_! I was-a-sleeping after eating some-a-pasta, and Bowser poured _poison_ in-a-my ear!"

"If you were sleeping," said Luigi skeptically, "how'd you know it was Bowser?"

"I-a-woke up when my ear became-a-wet, but it was-a-too late!" explained Mario with a flourish.

"But… _ear_-poison?"

"Yes. Bowser wanted me-a-gone so he could have-a-Peach. If he had killed me outright, she would never have-a-loved him, so he called for-a-peace, and then he struck!"

"I dunno, that sounds a bit too cunning for _Bowser_…"

"Avenge me!" ordered Mario, ignoring his brother's disbelief.

"But-"

"But leave Peach to the-a-Stars," added Mario for no apparent reason. "_They'll_-a-punish _her_. Goodbye!"

"Wait, what?" Luigi was caught off-guard as Mario started fading away.

"_Remember me!!!_"

"Huh?"

"I have to leave before-a-sunrise," explained Mario, pausing in his dramatic exit.

"But that's not for hours!" protested Luigi.

"**Shut up** and-a-remember me!"

"But you're not making sense!" beseeched Luigi.

"Uh!" Mario rolled his eyes and dissolved into the mists, tired of wasting his time arguing with Luigi.

The younger Mario brother stood and blinked at the place his sibling had been moments earlier. Slowly, everything started to come trickling back to him, and suddenly he was hit with the full force of Mario's revelation, as if it was a train of lucidity. "Oh my Stars!" he gasped. "Almighty spirits above! Oh, Koopa!" He was _way_ in over his head to sink so low as to invoke the Koopan Messiah, and it took some restraint for him not to ask the Great-Rock-Who-Watches for strength next. Instead, he begged to his legs to not give out again as Mario's last words played through his brother's mind over and over again. "Mario… I- I **won't** forget! I'll forget everything else, but I won't forget you! I won't forget what Bowser did to you!"

Luigi staggered, tripping through the soupy haze until he knocked up against a wall. He clutched onto it, thinking about that morning's coronation. "I can't _believe_ her," he hissed. "Peach! I would never have thought she would take up with such a villain as the beast who murdered Mario!" Luigi's face was contorted by disgust, and suddenly he smiled. It was a twisted smile, though, as he rummaged in his coat and pulled a book from its depths. "It's ironic, you'll not be here to read my diary anymore, Mario, and here I am writing about what you told me. It's like it's in reverse now that you're beyond the grave… Everything's so backwards and wrong… It's so ironic…" His eyes slid out of focus as the shock once more rippled through his brain.

He continued to murmur to himself as he recounted the night in point-form within his diary. "O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!" he spat, underlining a word with so much bile that the page nearly ripped under his pen. "I'll have you yet, Bowser, it's in here, in _writing_!" He grinned as he snapped his diary closed and waggled it around in the air. "I'll remember, Mario! I promise!"

"Luuuiiiigiiiii!" Ludwig's calls echoed around the rooftop. Luigi's grin widened and pocketed his diary, bubbling with excitement.

"Yo! Here Weegie! Weegie! Weegie!"

There was a slapping sound, as Ludwig's voice replaced his brother's. "Don't _do_ zat! He's not a dog!"

"Good boy!" joked Luigi.

"Whuzzat?" growled Roy, swirling into view, rubbing his still-smarting cheek. "Were you mocking me?"

"If he vas, remember zat _you_ started it," said Ludwig, appearing at his brother's elbow. "But enough of zat, vat have you found, Luigi?"

"You won't believe me if I told you!" exclaimed Luigi.

"Tell us!" responded the Koopalings.

"No," said Luigi, suddenly sober. "You'll tell everyone else."

"Well, dat's kinda da point," said Roy. "Da otha guards wanna know why dey've been terrorized fer da past week."

"It doesn't matter, since the ghost is gone. Mario told me what he needed to tell me, and now he can rest in peace!" announced Luigi.

"Oh! What was it? What'd he tell ya?"

"Indeed, vat vas so important zat he had to linger beyond deasz to share it?"

"Do you promise not to tell?" asked Luigi.

"Yes," responded the Dragon-Koopas, struggling to not smirk at the childishness of Luigi's request.

"Well forget it. It's best we go our separate ways. You should return to Dark Land, Ludwig. And Roy… I don't know, go fight the Kremling pirates, or something."

"Vat has gotten into you?" Ludwig was shaking his head.

Luigi's face fell. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to offend you!"

"Den don't tell us ta scram!"

"Roy," warned Ludwig, before looking back at Luigi. "It's okay."

"No it's not!" Luigi suddenly burst, unable to keep his revelation and his pent-up fears to himself. "That was Mario! My brother – my **dead** brother! And if that weren't bad enough…" He wrung his hands. "Promise me something."

"Anysing," said Ludwig, elbowing Roy in the gut when he started to protest.

"Promise you won't tell anyone else what you've seen here tonight," said Luigi, his eyes round like saucers.

"See what? You nearly piss your pants because of da ghost?" sneered Roy.

"Vill you shut up? _For once_?" growled Ludwig, before lowering his voice. "Vee'll never get anysing outta him if you don't play along."

Roy growled, but nodded.

"Vee promise," said Ludwig turning back to Luigi, but the green plumber wasn't satisfied.

"Now _swear_ you won't tell."

"What's the dif-" Roy caught sight of Ludwig's livid face and swallowed his protests. "Fine. I swear."

"Me too," said the elder Koopaling.

"Swear upon my hammer," said Luigi, holding out his wooden mallet.

"Now really-" started Roy once more, but it wasn't Ludwig who stopped him this time.

"_Swear!_" came a ghostly voice from below their feet.

"See? Mario agrees with me," smiled Luigi.

"What's he doin' _in_ da castle?" muttered Roy.

"Who cares? Just do as he says," instructed Ludwig, placing his hand on Luigi's hammer.

Roy did the same, "now what?"

"_Swear!_" came the voice.

"He's over there, now!" observed Luigi, scurrying over and stopping above where the voice sounded. "Swear over here!"

"This is stupid," growled Roy.

"Especially considering all vee saw vas zee ghost, vich many ozzers saw as vell. Making us do zis is pointless vit zem around blabbing."

"Koopa! You don't tink he'll make 'em _all_ run around like loons too?"

Ludwig shrugged, but they had reached Luigi's position and he felt it best to end the conversation.

They swore on the hammer, and again Mario's disembodied voice commanded "_Swear!_"

"Once more, good friends!" said Luigi, running off with the two Koopalings jogging after.

"This is wondrously strange," remarked Ludwig.

"I tink he's gone off da deep end dis time," said Roy.

Luigi stopped. "Now, know that the world is an amazing and magical place, and that there are things we cannot even comprehend-"

"Get on wid it," frowned Roy as he and Ludwig put their hands on Luigi's hammer.

"I have something to do, a favor for Mario. Promise me that no matter how crazy I may act, you will not make the slightest indication that you know it is just an act. Act as if you believe I'm already crazy!"

"Bit late for dat, bub," joked Roy.

"Promise me!" demanded Luigi.

"_Swear!_" cried Mario.

"We do!" said the Koopalings in unison, tired of the drawn-out ceremony. A satisfied sigh seemed to fill the night; all three spectators shivered.

"Sleep well, Mario," said Luigi, his eyes closed. He then looked at the Koopalings. "My dear friends, let's go now. We can get the reserves to take the rest of our shift; hopefully the knowledge that there'll be no ghost bothering them tonight will appease them as we interrupt their slumbers."

"Don't bet on it," laughed Roy.

Luigi pressed on with his speech. "Something is rotten in the Land of Mushrooms, and I have the misfortune to try and set things right!" He sighed. "Come on, let's go. It's too cold out here…"

Luigi wandered off towards the stairs. Ludwig and Roy stood rooted to the spot, watching him go. "Funny little guy, dat one," said Roy.

"Very," agreed Ludwig.


	6. Act II Scenes i and ii

**A/N****: The second scene is actually humoungus, but I couldn't leave the puny Wario scene on it's own. And this way, ****Act ****II**** is all-together, isn't that nice?**

**The Wario scenes always seem to be the most drastically different from **_**Hamlet**_** (they're much shorter too). Part of the reason is that Polonius is a real windbag in the play, so I've made Wario say as little as possible for the parody-aspect of the story. Also, since I'm not going to make Daisy as frail as Ophelia, I have to twist her interactions with Polonius around to the utmost extreme.**

**Kammy's part in the second scene **_**really**_** extended, as always, because things that make perfect sense in **_**Hamlet**_** need tonnes of explanation here. I also removed some stuff in the interaction between Luigi , Iggy and Lemmy and added other aspects to make it fit in better with the rest of the story.**

Act II. Scene i.

"'Bout time ya showed up," growled Wario.

"Sorry," said Larry, rolling his eyes as he closed the door behind him.

"I'm surrounded by eediots," huffed Wario under his breath, counting out coins.

Larry raised his eyebrow at the half-heard comment, and stepped forward to see if he could hear Wario's next muttering more clearly. But Wario was done. He closed the little burlap sack of gold and swiveled around in his chair, holding it out for Larry. "Give this ta Waluigi." Larry took it mutely, and watched as Wario reached back to the desk and picked up a letter. He sealed it with a disgustingly wet lick, and handed it – still dripping – to the unfortunate Koopaling.

"And this would be?" inquired Larry, taking the envelope form Wario with the tips of his claws, so as to get the least amount of saliva on his person as possible.

"Just some instructions to make sure my eediot brother doesn't waste all his money _this_ time," growled Wario. "Speaking of which, I'd like you to ask around before you meet with him, and find out what he's been up to."

"Nosy, aren't we?" drawled Larry.

"If he's wasting my cash on girls, gambling and booze, _I_'d have to be an eediot to **not** wanna know about it."

"Makes sense," shrugged Larry, turning to go,

"Get outta here," said Wario, turning back to his money.

Larry opened the door and found himself elbowed to the side by an enraged Daisy, who immediately started shouting at Wario. "You've really done it now! You really have!"

Larry was intrigued, but he had a job to do, and left the scene with a cheated sigh.

"How now, Daisy! What's tha matter?" asked Wario, as cheerfully as he could muster.

"Luigi's the matter!" she exclaimed. "He just showed up – unannounced – in my room, without his hat, and with his overalls undone, as pale as a Boo and quaking as if he'd been loosed out of the Underwhere! He grabbed my arm, and-"

"Rape!" gasped Wario, his head spinning with sordid images of his fiancée sparring with her erstwhile paramour.

"_What?_ No!"

"He was mad for your love!"

Daisy shook her head in disgust. "You're sick! I have no _clue_ what he wanted, but it certainly wasn't anything like _that_! He just stared at me, and he looked so sad… If you weren't such a pig and jet let me do what I want this never would've happened! You can _have_ Sarasaland for all I care!"

Wario chuckled lecherously. "But your kingdom's not all _I_ care about, Daisy."

"Eugh, don't say my name!" she spat.

"Enough!" Wario was on his feet now. "I didn't think Luigi'd have it in him to be so forward with you-"

"He _wasn't_, he left without even a word – he knows you'd have both our heads on a platter if-"

"Fine then, he's gone crazy because he **can't** have ya!" leered Wario. "I always thought he was a bit of a dandy, but this really takes the cake! Wah ha ha! I've gotta tell Bowser!" Still cackling, he brushed past Daisy to go find the king.

Daisy rolled her eyes. "Why do I even bother?" She followed Wario out, to make sure the king and queen heard the _real_ account of what happened in her bedroom – she just knew Wario's retelling would put Broken Telephone to shame.

Act II. Scene ii.

Bowser, Peach, Lemmy and Iggy were chatting in the throne room. The king and queen were in their thrones, while Bowser's twin-like sons were easing on the steps leading up to them.

"So anyway," said Bowser, having finished his story, "we're hoping you two can figure out what's wrong with Luigi."

"He's been acting so different lately," added Peach with a sigh. "He likes you guys, because you're not as 'violent' as your siblings, or so Luigi tells me…"

"He's probably just bugging about Mario," grunted Bowser. "But I'd like to know for sure."

"Of course," nodded Iggy.

"No problem!" grinned Lemmy.

"Thanks guys." Bowser snapped his fingers at Toadette, who was on guard and standing at attention next to one of the side doors. "Yo! Mushroom girl! Show these guys to Luigi, will ya?"

She nodded and held the door open for the Koopa Princes, who immediately hopped to their feet (though Lemmy also jumped upon his rubber ball) and set off on their appointed task.

Bowser sighed contentedly, but before he could manage anything more, Wario burst into the room. "Guess what? Kammy's back!"

"Joy," growled Bowser.

"But that's not even tha half of it!" continued Wario, grinning from ear-to-ear. "I know why Luigi's gone loopy!"

"Really?" this caught Bowser's attention. "Why?"

"Umm… Maybe you should see Kammy first, and then my information will be tha sweet, sweet desert!"

"Bah! Who cares? I'll hear what she has to say eventually, I wanna know about Luigi!" grumbled Bowser.

"Maybe we _should_let Kammy go first. She _has_ travelled a long way…" said Peach.

"Fine!" sighed Bowser, not willing to argue with his beloved consort. "Send her in, Wario."

"What do I look like? A butler?" he huffed.

"No, you're not well-enough groomed," countered Bowser. "Just show her in, so we can get this over with."

Wario left, muttering angrily to himself. He passed through the doors and shot Kammy, who was waiting just outside, a murderous look. "Get in there!"

Kammy frowned, a bit miffed at the uncalled-for rancor. However, she shuffled into the throne room without a word, having grown used to abuse from her superiors after working for Bowser for so many years…

Meanwhile, the aforementioned Koopa turned to Peach with a smile. "He says he knows what's wrong with Luigi!"

"I heard him," said the Queen, trying not to be patronizing – she figured Bowser was just happy, and so he was simply repeating the good news in disbelief. "I'm pretty sure it's what we already suspect, though: Mario's death and our over-hasty marriage."

"Well, we shall see nonetheless," assured Bowser. Before turning to Kammy as she approached the thrones. "Kammy! How goes Kamek?"

"I think his act of being a crazy old hypnotist is starting to rub-off on him for real," said Kammy with a wry smile. "He said he had no idea Peasley was still out to get us, since Little Fungitown had been cut off from the rest of the Beanbean Kingdom in the crown-prince's paranoia against all things mushroom. The black-out alone should've alerted Kamek to foul-play, but he was too wrapped-up in his experiments to pay them any due mind."

"Well, he _is_ retired," said Peach. "He's allowed to be _off_ high alert these days. I'd hate to see him work himself into the ground like my dear Toadsworth…"

Bowser patted Peach's hand comfortingly as Kammy shrugged and continued her report. "My brother _did_ set things straight as soon as I told him what was up, I owe him that, I guess. We flew right to the castle, and he set Peasley's mind straight – and by that, I mean the Bean's going to invade Jewelry Land, now."

"Bwa ha ha! That'll show those prissy magpie-monarchs who's boss!" laughed Bowser.

"How so?" asked Peach.

"Uh…" Bowser scratched his head. "Hm… Well, it'll show them they've gotta talk to their neighbours more, and keep good relations – I'm assuming you and Kamek came up with some sort of cover-story for Peasley's sudden change of heart?"

"Indeed we did," grinned Kammy mischievously. "Princes Peasley and Pine had… ah… _past relations_, and Kamek and I made sure to resurface some old scars. Peasley won't dare voice his motivation in public, so Pine will never know what set him off; he'll have to believe whatever excuse Peasley comes up with."

"A cover-story for a cover-story – I love it! Bwa ha ha!"

"I dunno, Prince Pine and I were friends for a long time. I feel a bit guilty about involving him in all this…" said Peach unhappily.

"Better him than us," said Kammy. "Besides, as His Vindictiveness said, it would serve them right for not paying any mind to the political mixups on this side of the border. They didn't care at all about Mario's death, your marriage or the Sarasaland affair." Here Kammy shot a look towards Wario, who was lurking in the corner of the hall, waiting for his turn. "Speaking of which, Peasley needs your permission to cross Sarasaland's southwestern corner to get to Jewelry Land."

"Yeah, sure," said Bowser. "Thanks Kammy."

"No problem, Your Compliantness." Kammy bowed low and started on her way out the door.

Wario immediately came forward. "About time that's done! Now, Luigi's in love with my fiancée, Daisy; since she's mine, I told her to stay away from him, and his unrequited love drove him mad!" Bowser shook his head doubtfully; Peach shook her head in disgust about how Wario spoke of Daisy. But her displeasure would only deepen, as Wario pulled out a paper and continued. "I have proof: this is a letter I found when I searched Daisy's bedroom. It's from Luigi, listen:

'_To the celestial and my soul's idol, the most beautified Daisy.  
In her excellent white bosom, these, & c.'_"

"What the Hell does that mean?" demanded Bowser, cutting-off Wario as he read the note.

"Is he quoting William Spearguy?" asked Peach.

"How unoriginal," huffed Bowser, before adding with a grin: "and unintelligible."

Wario growled in frustration. "Just let me finish, all right? Where was I again? Oh yeah:

'_Doubt thou the stars are fire;  
Doubt that the sun doth move;  
Doubt truth to be a liar;  
But never doubt I love.  
O dear Daisy, I am ill at these numbers;  
I have not art to reckon my groans: but that  
I love thee best, O most best, believe it. Adieu._

_Thine evermore most dear lady, whilst __this machine is to him  
__LUIGI.'_"

"That's so sweet," said Peach.

"That's so BORING," said Bowser.

"That's so inappropriate!" said Wario. "Daisy is my fiancée, Luigi shouldn't go near her at all anymore."

"You said you told Daisy to stay away from him," recalled Peach. "And you believe that is why Luigi is acting so strange?"

"Yep," nodded Wario, grinning like a know-it-all.

"I dunno…" frowned Bowser.

"We can test my theory," insisted Wario. "Luigi likes to wander around, right? So we'll sick Daisy on him, and see what he does. We can hide behind the curtains to eavesdrop!"

Bowser looked over at the nearest tapestry, "is it big enough? You _are_ pretty fat…"

"Speak fer yerself!"

"Hey! Who's the King here?"

"More like King-size fries."

"Enough!" cried Peach, before her husband and Wario's barbs could escalate into _physical_ violence. Suddenly the side door opened, and Luigi wandered in, his nose buried in a book.

"Oh! You guys scram, I'll talk ta him now!" said Wario, waddling over to the green plumber.

Bowser looked at Peach and shrugged. "Might as well…"

"Right, we can take a walk around the garden," smiled the queen, starting towards the door at once

"Um, I was thinking we could go _upstairs_, actually…" said Bowser, following her out of the room.

"Oh Bowser, you're such a nym-" But Peach's chuckle was cut-off as the door swung close behind the couple.

"Hey Luigi!" called Wario.

"Hey! It's the fishmonger!"

"Eh?" grunted Wario in confusion. "I'm not a feeshmonger."

"Oh," sighed Luigi. "That's too bad."

"What'd'ya mean?" glowered Wario.

"Are you married?" said Luigi suddenly.

"What?"

"Keep her out of the sun, or she'll wilt! Mark my words!"

"Still harping on my fiancée are ya? First you come in here and say I'm a feeshmonger, and now…" Wario bit down on his lip: he'd never get anything out of Luigi by screaming at him. He forced himself to smile. "What are you reading?"

"Words, words, words."

"I figured that," muttered Wario, before speaking up. "But what's it about?"

"What's what about?"

"Tha book!" cried Wario, clearly exasperated.

"Oh!" exclaimed Luigi, looking down at the book as if he had never seen it before. He closed it and smiled. "Nothing, really. It's just making fun of fat old men. It says they ooze yellow stuff out of their eyes, and that their legs can't support them – because they're too old and rickety for such a heavy load. It's all true, of course, but I prefer to be more polite about it. Why, just think, you'd be as old and fat as me if you were a Sidestepper – walking backwards, and all that."

Wario blinked. _This is madness, but there __**is**__ method to it_, he thought. "Do you want to go for a walk outside?"

"Outside, and into my grave," responded Luigi, his eyes steely.

"Alright then…" said Wario. "…I'm gonna go now."

"Tedious old fool!" responded Luigi, but Wario was already gone. The door hadn't even closed upon his retreating backside when Lemmy and Iggy threw it open again.

"Oh, there you are, Luigi!" said Iggy.

"It seems Toadette had us on a wild goose chase!" chirped Lemmy.

"Oh, it's you guys…" observed Luigi.

"Yeah," grinned Lemmy. "Your old buddies: Iggy-"

"-And Lemmy," finished Iggy, his smile identical to his brother's.

Luigi looked at them. "Why are you here? In this prison…"

"Prison?" said the Koopalings in unison.

"The Palace – The Koopa Kingdom – The Mushroom World – It's all a prison to me," explained Luigi.

"Why?" they asked.

"Because of my nightmares."

"Nightmares?" breathed the Koopalings.

"Yep – dreadful dreams," nodded Luigi cheerfully. "Anyway, you didn't answer my question: why are you here? Aren't you supposed to be in…Er… Dinosaur Land? Was it?"

"Can't we take a little trip to the new capital?" shrugged Lemmy.

"And visit our friend Luigi while we're here?" continued Iggy.

"Not really," said Luigi. "Why are you here? Did Bowser send for you?"

"What could King Dad possibly have sent us for?" said Iggy.

Lemmy nodded. "Everything that can be done that matters has already been done – without our presence."

"He did not send for us then, why would he send for us now?"

"Yeah!"

"I dunno," sighed Luigi. "You say you're my friends, but I can see it in your faces that you're lying: the king and queen sent for you."

Lemmy and Iggy exchanged glances, and sighed as one.

"We _were_ sent for," admitted Iggy.

"They're worried about you," justified Lemmy.

Luigi held up a hand. "Save it." He lowered his arm and flashed the brothers a cheeky, yet sad smile. "I'll tell you what's wrong of my own accord, and you can tell Peach and Bowser, and leave your little confession just now out of the story if you want. You see, I have of late – but wherefore I know not – lost all my mirth."

Lemmy and Iggy blinked at Luigi's fancy words, but he switched back into normal English as he continued. "I don't act the same any more; I can't act the same. The world is nothing but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours, as far as I see it. And people! Hah! They're just a quintessence of dust! Man or women, they delight me not!"

At that, Lemmy and Iggy smirked.

"What's so funny? Are you questioning my sexuality?" demanded Luigi, his eyes wide with paranoia.

"No…" said Iggy, a little weirded-out by Luigi's reaction.

"It's just," began Lemmy, "we met up with a troop of Yoshis on the boat-ride over."

"Yoshi _actors_, that is," elaborated Iggy. "They want to perform for you."

"And King Dad, Peach and everyone else in the castle."

"But if nothing and nobody tickles your fancy…"

"...they're in for a rather lukewarm reception."

Luigi was aghast. "Just because I'm depressed doesn't mean I can't enjoy myself!"

"Doesn't it?" the Koopalings were skeptical.

"I like fiction – it takes my mind off reality," said Luigi. "I'll be happy to watch their kings and knights take the stage. Hear their ladies sigh and speak their minds. Let their jokers make merry and their lovers make love."

"It's not _that_ kind of performance," said Lemmy.

"For that you need to watch _Kremling_ Kabaret," sneered Iggy.

"And where are the Yoshis from?" asked Luigi suddenly.

"What does it matter?" frowned Iggy.

"They're from Yoshi's Island," shrugged Lemmy, feeling they'd get to the bottom of Luigi's madness if they simply went along with his eccentricities.

"Oh, then I know them!" Luigi clapped his hands at the revelation.

"You do," nodded Lemmy.

"It's Yoshi himself who leads the group," said Iggy.

"He always liked acting, but leading the Yoshis demanded most of time and effort. I gather that's not the case anymore, or he wouldn't be travelling…" mused Luigi.

"Well, he _doesn't_ have to rule the place anymore," said Iggy.

"Cuz _we_'re in charge of Yoshi's Island," continued Lemmy.

"Once we're done here we'll be headed back to Dinosaur Land."

"Petey Piranha's our representative in the area in the meantime."

_No wonder Yoshi left_, thought Luigi. Suddenly the doors opened and Wario entered the hall. Luigi turned to Lemmy and Iggy and whispered a final message: "they think I'm insane! But only I know which way the wind blows!"

"Huh?" the Koopalings were completely baffled.

"What are you guys muttering about!?" demanded Wario.

"The big baby speaks!" exclaimed Luigi.

"What are you- pah nevermind! I've got something ta tell ya!"

"_I_'ve got something to tell _you_," responded Luigi, tongue-in-cheek. "When the comet came, Princess Rosalina filled the sky with star bits. However, it wasn't a comet, but an observatory, viewing the starts _from _the stars!"

Wario looked expectantly at Lemmy and Iggy, but they didn't have the slightest as to what Luigi was getting at, and shrugged helplessly. Wario growled and rolled his eyes. "Your snot-nosed Yoshi friend's here, he wants to put on a play."

"Buz, buz!"

"If you're gonna insult me-" Wario's hands were now fists.

"Then came each actor on his ass. Or rather, each actor was an ass – Bowser once thought Yoshis were donkeys, after-all!" chuckled Luigi.

"It's true," nodded Lemmy.

"He did," confirmed Iggy.

"Go make yerselves useful, ya worms!" snarled Wario. He turned and tried to make small talk with Luigi. Like Lemmy, he figured indulging the green plumber would reveal the truth of his mental imbalance faster. "I heard Yoshi's good."

"Daisy would say as much," nodded Luigi.

Wario's eyes narrowed as he dropped his genial act, "still on my wife… ya dirty-"

"_Yoshi!_" came a bubbling call from the open door, through which a troop of five Yoshis entered the hall. Yoshi, the green one who had spoken, led the pack; he was followed by a pair of blue Yoshis, a red youngster with purple hair, and an old yellow-orange fellow.

"Oh! My friends! My dear friends!" cried Luigi, brushing past Wario to greet the visitors. "Yoshi, you look great! And is that you, Yo? You were barely hatched when I saw you last! And Yebenezer, nice to see you still up and about!" He turned from the old yellow Yoshi to the sky blue female and her mate. "Yris, I hope your voice is as lovely as I heard it last. And I hope _you_'re still a fancy flyer, Yob – what's a play without an aerial chase scene? Eh?"

"It's nice to see you so happy, Luigi! I'm sorry I didn't make it for Mario's funeral…" said Yoshi apologetically.

Luigi waved it off, feigning forgiveness. "Ah well, these things happen. But the show must go on, yes?"

"Oh yes," nodded Yoshi. "Would you like to see a little performance now? A preview to tomorrow night's festivities?"

"Oh, yes please! Oh, oh, can you do the scene from, um, _Yoob's Revenge_? Where the chieftess searches for her mate in the ruins of the old tree after the battle?"

"Certainly," smiled Yoshi, before clearing his throat.

"We're in for a real treat!" whispered Luigi to Wario.

"_Yoshi! Yoshi! Yosh! Ow ow ow ow! Yoshi! Yoshi! Yo-yo-yo! Yo-yoshi! Ow ow Yoshi! Yoshi! YOSHI!_"

Luigi understood Yoshi, so he knew what the green dinosaur was saying. Wario, on the other hand, wrinkled his nose at the foreign language. "What's all this crap?"

"Shhh!" hissed Luigi.

"_Yo-yo Yoshi! O Yoshi Yo Yoshi!!_" continued Yoshi, flourishing his hands as he spoke. "_Ow ow ow ow! Yoshiiiii! Yo- Yoshi!_"

"This sucks," snorted Wario. "Okay! That's enough! Save if for tomorrow – **Shut up**!"

Yoshi did as he was told, and bowed low. Luigi and the other Yoshis applauded. Lemmy and Iggy also clapped, but were busy commenting on how Yoshi was over-acting – there were _tears _in his eyes.

"Well, come on ya ruddy lizards! This way!" grunted Wario, turning around.

"Yoshi!" said Luigi, as his friend passed by, "can you play _The Murder of Stanley_?"

"Yep," nodded Yoshi.

"Great! Then you can perform that tomorrow!"

"Uh, we were planning to do _Tipani and the Pixl Queen_…"

"No, no, no, that won't do. I'm sorry, but Bowser doesn't like wishy-washy chick-flicks like that."

"_Tipani and the Pixl Queen_ is about an epic battle to save the world, between a girl and a shadowy monster from the days of yore-"

"Bowser doesn't like that much backstory-"

"He already knows it all! It's written partially from his memoirs of the Flipside-"

"He doesn't like being told what he already knows either," interrupted Luigi. "Look, just do _The Murder of Stanley_. Do it for me, _please?_"

"Fine," said Yoshi, starting to leave Luigi and catch up to his fellow actors. Wario was already through the door.

"And, can you add these lines I wrote?"

"_What?_" Gasped Yoshi.

"More like stage directions, actually…" muttered Luigi, as he handed a piece of crumpled paper to Yoshi.

"I don't-"

"Yoshi, **my brother died**, and you missed his _funeral_. This is the _least_ you could do…"

"All right! All right!" Yoshi turned and sprinted after the other Yoshis, before Wario realized he had lagged behind.

"Nice guilt-tripping," grinned Lemmy as soon as the doors swung shut once more.

"But I can't help but wonder what it was all about," said Iggy, eyeing Luigi suspiciously.

"I love the theatre," smiled the green plumber. "And now my friends, I must bid you good-night!"

"It's only 3 o'clock..."

"…In the afternoon," protested Iggy and Lemmy in sequence.

"Good-day then. But either way, good-bye!" continued Luigi.

The two Koopalings and Luigi stood contemplating each other for a few moments, but wen the silence grew awkward the Dragon-Koopas turned and slunk out of the room. Luigi watched them and waved until the last echoes of their footsteps disappeared down the outside hallway.

"Now I am alone," he murmured. Before launching into a self-depreciative tirade. "Why am I such a coward? Why am I a cold fish? A do-nothing!? All talk, no action! Yoshi was more passionate about a work of _fiction_ than I am about my dear brother's murder. He returns from the Underwhere so that I can avenge him, and yet I quiver in my overalls and stall and sit and do nothing! If _Yoshi_ had the motivation I do, he would drown the stage in tears!" Luigi bit his lip as he paced in front of the empty thrones. "Bloody, bawdy villain! Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain! Someone should pull my 'stache from my face, tweak my nose and call me a liar – I deserve it! Fie upon it! Ah foe! I promised Mario that I would take revenge for his murder, and I will, damn it!"

Luigi looked over his shoulder at the closed and unguarded door. He wondered where the guard was, not knowing that Toadette was still looking for him, herself not knowing Lemmy and Iggy's own search had come to an end long ago. Luigi lowered his voice as he continued. "I've heard that guilty creatures can be tricked into confessing their wrongs if they their crimes acted out in front of their own eyes. That scene I gave Yoshi should mirror Mario's murder, and it'll get that brute, that Bowser, to out himself. The play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king!" With that announcement to no one, Luigi left the empty room, the echoes of his unnaturally confident voice still whispering in the rafters.


	7. Act III Scene i

**A/N****: In **_**Hamlet**_**, there is a part here where Claudius (Bowser) reveals in an aside that he feels guilty about some dirty deed he committed. We'll hear more about that later, and the context for the confession never made sense to me, so I just cut the whole thing out. I also changed up the exchange between Luigi and Daisy so it works with the story.**

Act III. Scene i.

"So what've you guys found out?" grunted Bowser as he and Peach entered the hall. Lemmy and Iggy jumped up from their seats on the steps leading up to the throne to address their father and his wife. Wario, however, remained seated, and barely looked up from the enormous submarine sandwich he was devouring. Daisy sat a little ways off, the sound of Wario's ravenous hunger turning her stomach, and making her regret the eggs she ate for breakfast.

"Luigi says he's unhappy," reported Iggy.

"But he doesn't know why," continued Lemmy.

Bowser snorted. "_I'll bet_ he doesn't know why."

"Why?" asked Peach.

"I dunno, it seems too convenient…" Bowser frowned. "He doesn't want to tell them what's up, so he told them he can't remember. Sneaky weasel…"

Peach turned away from her suspicious husband. "How did Luigi receive you? Was he rude, or upset?"

The Koopalings shook their heads. Lemmy spoke first. "He was polite-"

"-But it seemed a bit forced," admitted Iggy.

"He answered all our questions."

"But he was no chatterbox."

"Did you try to cheer him up?" asked Peach, concern in her voice.

"We told him about Yoshi's visit," said Iggy.

"And he was really excited about that," nodded Lemmy.

"He stuck his nose into their plans for tonight's presentation and everything."

"He wants you guys to attend."

Wario gave a great belch. "It's true. He hunted me down last night and told me to tell you two to come too."

"Huh?" Bowser scrunched his nose at all the "to" sounds, but Peach paid them no mind.

"That's great news! Oh, I can't wait!" she said, clapping her hands together in joy.

Seeing his wife so happy, Bowser also smiled. "You two go find Luigi, and make sure he's on his way here. Once we're done with him, keep him busy with the preparations. A busy plumber's a happy plumber… I think." He looked at Wario for guidance on the matter.

"Why does everyone think I'm a God-Damned plumber?" he growled. "How should I know what makes the guy happy?"

Bowser shrugged, and watched Lemmy and Iggy wander off. He turned to Peach with a sigh. "You better go too, my sweet treat. Wario has our little spy-session planned, and Luigi'll be along any minute. I don't look forward to hiding out in the curtains all morning with Wario, and I'd hate to subject you to such torture as well."

"Fine, fine. If it'll make you happy, I'll go, Bowser." Peach turned to Daisy. "I hope that it _is_ lovesickness that has our dear Luigi befuddled. If that is the case, I'm sure your virtues will bring him around. And then we can put all this behind us."

Daisy continued staring at the far wall. But to show she heard her ex-friend's words, she raised her hand, and flipped Peach the bird.

Peach put a gloved hand to her lips, shocked and saddened by the gesture. Bowser's face turned red with rage, but she hastened to quell his anger. "Find out what's wrong with Luigi," she said, before giving him a tender kiss on the nose.

As Peach turned to leave, Wario got to his feet with a horrible grunting moan. "Right, onto business. Daisy, you walk around here, reading this book."

Daisy looked at the volume Wario held in his hand: _The Act of Life_. "I'm gonna sit here," she sneered. "And **not** read the book."

"Why you little-" Wario suddenly looked up from Daisy, as the front doors were opening. "Quick! We've gotta hide!" Bowser followed Wario as he dashed behind the nearest curtain. Daisy smirked, not only was the curtain bulging far out from the wall, and rustling which each breath Wario took, but both his and Bowser's feet were clearly visible beneath the trimming. And Bowser's tail poked out the side.

Meanwhile, Luigi had entered the room, and with a flourish, he began his speech. "To be or not to be: that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against the sea of troubles and by opposing, end them?" Daisy looked 'round to watch her one-time lover converse with the air, acting as if she were not there. "To die, to sleep; to sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub." Luigi frowned, his face lined with fear. "What awaits us after death? That undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns – what then? What now?" Luigi thought of the Underwhere, and of Mario. He knew what came in death, but he still found himself questioning his own memories. "Conscience does make cowards of us all. We'll struggle in life to avoid what struggles we may encounter in death. It's funny, really…"

All that time Luigi had meandered his way across the throne room, and only when he found himself face-to-face with a bewildered Daisy did he acknowledge her presence. "Oh! I didn't see you there, Daisy!"

She frowned. She was a pretty big thing to miss.

"Be all my sins remembered," said Luigi, smiling faintly as the ex-princess got to her feet.

"So anyway," she started, "Wario's making me give back all the stuff you've given me over the years… At least, the stuff he hasn't already pawned off." She pulled out a small box from her dress. Inside was a broken mirror, an empty jar of nail polish, a couple pressed flowers and some other odds-and-ends Wario hadn't been able to sell. To him they were worthless, but they held sentimental value for Daisy, and she was glad he hadn't just dumped them in the garbage.

Luigi looked at the contents of the box, but shook his head. "I never gave you anything."

"You know right well you did," scowled Daisy.

"Ha, ha!" exclaimed Luigi, making Daisy jump in surprise. "Are you honest?"

"Huh?"

"Are you fair?"

"What?" Daisy was confused.

"Beauty turns honest men into scoundrels much faster than honesty would turn a slut into a lady," said Luigi. "I did love you once."

Daisy shook her head, "what does this have to do with _anything_?"

"Nothing. For I loved you not!" spat Luigi suddenly.

"If you say-so," Daisy rolled her eyes, burying her broken heart in sarcasm.

"Get thee to a nunnery!" ordered Luigi. "Do you know how much shit I'm in? You're better of without me, without any man. We are arrant knaves, all. Where's Wario?"

Daisy was taken aback by the question. "Where did _that_ come from?"

"You better hope he's locked away somewhere!"

"Oh, I do," smirked Daisy. "What has gotten into you, Luigi?" she sighed. She hated seeing him like this.

"Be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as snow."

"Already done," once again, Daisy rolled her eyes.

"To a nunnery go, and quickly!"

"I would if I could…"

"We will have no more marriages!"

"Amen to that."

"Those that are married already, all but one, shall live," Luigi had reached the side-door now. He looked back at Daisy one final time. "To a nunnery, go!"

Luigi slammed the door closed behind him, and Daisy turned away, the box of empty trinkets still in her hands. "O, woe is me. If only this hadn't happened to him – to me. I hope the Stars will save him-"

"Bravo! Bravo!" clapped Wario, stepping out from behind the curtain. "Great performance!"

Daisy looked away in disgust. Her insides burned with shame knowing she had been part of a ploy; she only hoped Wario and Bowser hadn't learned anything from Luigi's random spouting.

But she was out of luck. "He didn't _sound_ love-sick," said Bowser, sliding out from under the curtain. "And if that is the way he treats all his girlfriends it's no wonder he's alone!" Bowser grinned at his joke, but soon turned somber. "There's something bothering Luigi, and whatever it is, I'm sure when it surfaces it will not bode well for me…" He thought for a moment, and suddenly had an idea, "I know! I'll send him to Donkey Kong Island! Everyone already thinks he's crazy, and there tonnes of Grade-A asylums in Brooklyn, or Big Ape City, or whatever it's called… Hmmm, what do you think its proper name is, Wario?"

"I still think Luigi's after my wife," growled the human.

Daisy huffed and stormed off, exiting through the door opposite the one Luigi had taken.

Wario shrugged. "We should get Peach to talk to Luigi after the play – you'd hate to send him away before knowing the whole story about him, right?"

"Not really," said Bowser. "I don't _care_ what's up with him, I just don't want it to explode in my face."

"I'm sure _Peach_ wants to know the whole story too. She can ask him straight-up what's wrong, and I'll be there, hiding behind the curtains, and hear it all!"

"You and your curtains!" said Bowser exasperatedly. "You don't need to spy on Peach, she's on our side, remember? She'll _tell_ us what's on Luigi's mind."

"Yeah, well I prefer to hear everything straight from the Yoshi's mouth," said Wario, crossing his arms.

Bowser shook his head. "You're such a pain! But you're right: Peach deserves the chance to talk to Luigi before I send him away…"

"Ya see? No worries! Wa ha ha!"

Bowser merely frowned. He had a bad feeling about all this.


	8. Act III Scene ii

**A/N****: I cut a lot out of this scene, and gave Ludwig a few more lines instead. There was a bit more random dialogue before the play in **_**Hamlet**_**, and the play itself had lines. Many versions of **_**Hamlet**_** only include the mimed preview of the play; I felt shortening the scene would be a good idea for my rendition as well. Unfortunately, this necessitated a few lines to be transferred between characters and between times, but it worked out **_**passably**_** well, I think.**

Act III. Scene ii.

"Okay, okay, okay! So you guys, when you perform, make sure you don't exaggerate too much! It'll wreck the play. Don't mouth the words, and don't over-act, and don't… don't…" Luigi trailed off, trying to think of another piece of advice. The Yoshi actors (minus Yoshi himself) to which he was lecturing, however, were quite glad he had run out of things they shouldn't do.

"Ah-" began the old yellow one, Yebenezer. "We appreciate your input, but-"

"Oh!" Luigi snapped his fingers. "I remember now! Don't under-act either."

"Is that even a word?" whispered Yris to her mate, who smirked.

"Make sure you get the accents right," continued Luigi. "And make sure you do your characters justice – be believable!"

"My boy, we have been acting for many, many years. I'm sure we know what to do," said Yebenezer.

"I should hope so!" said Luigi. "Just stick to the script. You're actors, not stand-up comedians."

"No, really?" huffed little Yo as the Yoshis turned to join Yoshi backstage. But Luigi wasn't left alone for long, as Lemmy, Iggy and Wario wandered into the hall.

"How now, Wario!" called the green plumber. "Bowser is coming to see this piece of work, right?"

"Yeah, Peach too," said Wario disinterestedly.

"Great! Go make sure the actors hurry up!" ordered Luigi. Wario scowled, but he was under Bowser's orders to do whatever Luigi said until Peach's interview, and so he lumbered over to the stage, muttering his discontent to himself as he went. While Luigi didn't hear Wario's profane oaths, he was still upset by what he saw. "Why aren't you guys going with him? I was talking to you too!"

"You don't need three people to egg on a bunch of Yoshis," whined Lemmy.

"We wanna see what else you guys've done to the throne room," said Iggy, looking around.

"Yeah it's hardly recognizable."

"We never did this sorta thing back home."

"Just go!" moaned Luigi, pointing towards the stage.

The Koopalings looked at each other in bewilderment, but followed Luigi's childish finger backstage. No sooner had they disappeared than Ludwig entered the hall.

"What ho! Ludwig!" chirped Luigi.

"Huh? Oh, hi Luigi. Listen, have you seen Lemmy and Iggy?"

"Oh Ludwig!" cried Luigi rapturously. "My most dearest friend! I have never met someone as honorable, as level-headed, or as great as you, not once in my entire life!"

Ludwig blinked. Luigi was not known for this sort of thing. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Don't think I'm flattering you, Ludwig," grinned Luigi, waggling his finger. "Flattery doesn't get me anywhere, not if I flatter people who don't deserve to be flattered, that's for sure. But you! You _deserve_ flattery, and yet I'm not flattering you, I'm telling the truth! Because you are a great, wonderful person. Of all the people in the world, you are my bestest friend! I would rather spend my time with no one else but you!"

"But vee barely know each ozzer," said Ludwig, backing away from the advancing Luigi.

"Give me that man that is not passion's slave, and I will wear him in my heart's core, ay, in my heart of hearts, as I do thee." Luigi finished, and beamed at his "bestest friend".

Ludwig returned the gaze with a weary look. He didn't particularly like Luigi, and decided to discourage the misguided plumber with sarcasm. "Is zis vy you aren't more upset about Daisy? I have to be honest vit you – I don't sving zat vay."

"You're silly!" said Luigi. "But I've rambled on enough! We have important matters to discuss. I've rigged the play we're gonna be watching so that it resembles the circumstances of Mario's death that I told you about earlier."

Ludwig nodded. Luigi had told him about his conversation with the ghost the morning after it had happened. Ludwig felt bad for keeping such secrets from his father and siblings, but there was certainly something strange going on, and he felt it was best to keep mum about anything concerning Luigi and his fragile state of mind.

"Now, when the murder scene comes, I want you to help me watch Bowser for any signs of guilt. If he did what I think he did, I think he'll do something when he sees the Yoshis doing what he did _on stage_. If we see that something, then the ghost was right, and Bowser did kill Mario, and then we can do something about it in good faith!"

"Makes sense," said Ludwig. "I'll keep an eye on Fazzer – if he manages to stay avake long enough to even see your little mousetrap, zat is."

"Great! I gotta go act crazy now – people are coming!" said Luigi, scurrying away as the door behind Ludwig opened. The Koopa Prince had to resist the urge to make a snide remark on Luigi's crazy "act" as he joined the crowd and took a seat in the audience. Around him sat Wendy, Roy, Kammy, King Boo, Toad, Toadette and a multitude of nameless Koopas and Mushrooms. Bowser and Peach made their way up onto their thrones, and Daisy sat on the steps like she had that morning. But her box of memorabilia was gone – Wario had thrown it into the moat.

The glutton himself reappeared as his King and Queen were seating themselves. He waddled past the other members of the audience, and sat next to Daisy, who moved with a revolted "tsk." Wario growled, but he was already seated, and didn't feel like moving again.

The stage had been constructed partway down the entrance hallway, so that it faced the thrones, but left enough space for the other inhabitants of the castle to watch. Seeing as the Peasley threat was no more, most of the guards had been freed up to attend the performance, and when Iggy and Lemmy reappeared from behind the stage, they discovered there were no more vacant chairs, and had to sit on the ground.

Luigi was also chairless, and ambled around the room, positively bursting with excitement. As he neared the throne, Bowser called out to him "Hey, Luigi! How ya doing?"

"I'm okay," said Luigi, "I've been feasting on the promise-crammed air like a Koopeleon, you see. It's quite filling for me, but not for midnight roosters, I'm afraid."

"Uhhhh…" said Bowser, "ookaaay…"

Peach hurried to cover-up for the awkwardness of the situation. "Luigi! You don't seem to have chair. Why don't you sit here!" she motioned towards a little stool next to her throne. "It's normally for snacks, not people, but the floor is so cold…"

Luigi shook his head. "I'd rather sit next to Daisy! Her hotness warms me more than you ever could!" With that, he threw himself onto the steps at the ex-princess' feet.

"What are you doing?" she hissed.

"You'd rather I lie in you lap?" asked Luigi, a mischievous glint in his eye.

"No!"

"I mean, put my head in your lap."

"You do that, and _I'll_ have your head in my trophy-room! Next to tha pickled rats! Wa ha ha!" Wario cackled sinisterly, but even as the lights dimmed and the curtains opened to reveal the Yoshi players, he didn't take his envious eyes off Luigi.

The play opened with the two blue Yoshis, Yob and Yris, sitting in a greenhouse. They were obviously a happy couple, even to those of the audience who did now understand Yoshi; they cuddled and kissed each other, giggling and smiling as they spoke of love and peace. Yob then laid down to sleep, and Yris kissed him goodnight, before drifting off stage.

Yoshi then appeared, and poured ear poison into Yob's ear. As Yob thrashed about in death, Luigi turned to watch Bowser's reaction. The king's face was twisted into horrified disbelief, and Luigi smiled grimly before turning back to the play, where Yris had returned and was lamenting her husband's untimely death. Yebenezer and Yo came to join her in mourning, as did Yoshi, having them all he _found_ Yob dead. Yebenezer then bears Yob away, and Yo follows. Now alone, Yoshi makes a pass on Yris. Holding out a gift, he slides over beside her. At first she resisted, but eventually Yoshi's silver-tongue wins her over, and he leaned in to kiss his blushing bride.

"Enough!" shouted Bowser. "Koopa! If I wanted to see sappy crap like this I'd poke holes in trees. Turn on the lights! I'm outta here!"

"You heard him! Turn on tha lights!" jeered Wario, who was inwardly upset the stirring session between the Yoshis had been cut short. Sordid thoughts filling his head, Wario turned to Daisy with a lecherous smile, but she was busy looking at Luigi's own maniac grin.

"What's going on?" she demanded.

"Wormwood, wormwood," he hissed, before getting to his feet. "They lady doth protest too much, eh Daisy?" he said, suddenly jovial. "And by Lady, I mean Bowser!" Daisy shook her head in disbelief, but Luigi had caught sight of Ludwig, and hurried away without another word.

With the play cut short, the audience members were all making to leave. Bowser had already disappeared, and Ludwig was nearing the exit. Luigi wove through the sea of Kooaps, Toads and various other creatures, catching up to the eldest Koopaling just outside the throne room. "Did you see that!?" he shouted triumphantly.

"Yes," nodded Ludwig, picking his way towards a nearby stairwell.

"That went perfectly! I could be a writer if I weren't a plumber, wouldn't you say?" crowed Luigi as they cleared the crowd, his voice echoing in the deserted stairwell.

"_Anyvove_ could have written 'pour poison into his ear'," said Ludwig, unimpressed. He case a weary eye back over his shoulder, but the audience members were all heading for the cafeteria, where dinner was to be served at the end of the play. Ludwig smirked, _zee chefs are gonna be in for a nasty surprise ven zeir patrons show up an hour early_…

"Come on! I wanna hear every last detail about Bowser's reaction," said Luigi, starting up the stairs.

"You saw as much as I did," said Ludwig, purposefully being unhelpful. "He got up ven-"

"There you are!" came a call from behind the pair.

They turned to find Lemmy and Iggy hurrying up the stairs. "We've been looking for you!" exclaimed the latter.

"Yeah, King Dad is seriously pissed-off!"

"Peach is really upset too."

"She can't believe you've been acting so… so…"

"Crazy," they finished in unison, staring mirthlessly at Luigi.

"My wit's deceased," sighed Luigi. "She wants me to talk to her, right? She's been hounding me all week, she has! Fine, I'll talk to her. Is there anything else you guys need to darken my day with?"

Lemmy and Iggy were taken aback by Luigi's sharp tone of voice. "We used to be friends…" began Lemmy sadly, and not entirely truthfully.

"Won't you tell us what's wrong?" beseeched Iggy.

"Who say's we're not friends anymore?" said Luigi, holding out his arms warmly. "I still like you guys! Just not the news you've been bringing me these days!" Looking past the two Koopalings, Luigi caught sight of the Yoshi actors slinking out of the throne room, and dashed down to stairs to intercept them. "Hey! Stop! Give me that!" He snatched a flute out of Yoshi's hands and held it up, glaring up at Lemmy, Iggy (and Ludwig). "You think you can play me like a pipe!!!" he bellowed, suddenly furious at his "friends. "Well, you can't!! _S'blood_, I won't have it!!!"

"Why are you yelling at us!?!" cried Lemmy.

"What have we done to you!?!" wailed Iggy.

"WHAT THA BLOODY FREAKING HELL'S GOING ON OUT HERE!!!" roared Wario, bursting into the stairwell behind the Koopalings. "**Luigi!**" he growled, "I shoulda known it was _you_ behind all this screaming! Tha queen wants ta see ya!"

"Do you see that cloud? It looks like a Blaarg!" said Luigi, starry-eyed, and pointing behind Wario with the flute.

Wario and the Koopalings all turned around. There was nothing at the head of the stairs but a blank brick wall.

"Vat zee Undervere?" began Ludwig under his breath. Lemmy and Iggy were too afraid of being yelled at again to comment, but Wario rounded on Luigi, his face turning red.

"Are you **mocking** me?"

"No, it looks like a Bandit," said Luigi, still focusing on something somewhere behind Wario's left ear.

"There's nothing there!"

"Except a whale."

"Except a _wall_," corrected Wario. "Ack! God, what am I doing? You stupid eediot, just shaddup already!"

"Then by and by, I'll go see Peach," said Luigi, calmly handing the flute to Yoshi. The dinosaur snatched it back with a snort, and the actors hurried off before Luigi could cause them any more grievances. Luigi paid the no mind, and called up to Wario. "Tell Peach I'm on my way!"

"Who am I? A Star Kid? I don't do messages!" growled Wario.

"Just go," said Ludwig under his breath. "Don't make sings harder zen zey alveady are."

"Grrrr, fine! But I betta get a tip!" Wario then turned and stormed down the hall from whence he came.

"You guys go too," said Luigi. "Go on, shoo!"

Ludwig rolled his eyes and started up the stairs once more, with Iggy and Lemmy hot on his heels. They were scarcely out of earshot when Luigi burst into soliloquy. "Now could I drink hot blood, and do such bitter business as the day would quake to look on! That doesn't really make much sense in the modern sense of the word, but at night nothing is what is seems… Not with the witches and demons and ghosts about in the darkness!" Here Luigi shuddered at his own imagery. "But I must be careful as to save my anger for _after_ my interview with Peach. I will speak daggers to her but – the Stars help me – I shall _use_ none! …However tempted I may be…"


	9. Act III Scenes iii and iv

**A/N****: I changed the first scene a lot too. In **_**Hamlet**_**, Claudius mulls over his sins to himself and tries to pray for forgiveness, but Bowser isn't a religious guy, so that doesn't work. Instead, I turned the whole praying thing into a farce (you'll understand when you read it).**

**In****the play, Hamlet thinks his dad is God, pretty much, and has a creepy obsession with his mother's sex-life; I sorta turned those vibes down for **_**Luigi**_**. I also sped the whole second scene along, made Peach's reaction less wussy, and saved Luigi's farewell to Wario until the end.**

Act III. Scene iii.

"I can't believe Luigi! That nut-bar! Get him on the first boat to Donkey Kong Island!" roared Bowser.

"W-why?" asked Iggy, shaking from head to toe.

"W-what has he done to upset y-you?" Lemmy was just as fearful of his father's rage.

"He set me up!" exclaimed Bowser. "That play – it was meant for me!"

"Well, _duh_," said Iggy.

"You _are_ the King," said Lemmy.

"_Everything_'s meant for you."

"Yeah!"

"Grrrr! Get outta my sight!" screamed Bowser, his face twisted by rage. "I want you – both of you – and Luigi gone by morning!"

"Y-y-yes, King Dad!" they yelped, before turning and running down the stairs. Bowser growled and held a hand up to his forehead, but Wario arrived before he had time to think anything through.

"Luigi's on his way ta talk ta Peach," reported Wario.

"And?" said Bowser, turning away from the window to glower at Wario.

Wario shrugged. "And I'm gonna hide behind tha curtain!"

"I knew that already, I'm not an idiot!" spat Bowser. "Just go!" As Wario disappeared down the stairs with a snort, Bowser sighed; he was so angry his breath came out as steam. "If I had known Luigi would turn out to be such a freaking pain in the tail I would've killed him off too…" Bowser had let the younger plumber live because it would have been suspicious if _both_ Mario Brothers died just after a peace treaty was signed.

Bowser reached over his shoulder and pulled a vile of green liquid from his shell. "Why the Underwhere did I even keep this… stupid incriminating poison…" he muttered to himself. He pulled the cork off of the bottle and sniffed: two months old, and the ear-poison was still scentless, and therefore, deadly.

He had to get rid of it. Bowser looked around for a sink, but he was in the observatory, and there was no running water. He had come up there for some privacy, to make sure the Mushroom people didn't hear him raging about Luigi, but now he was at a loss as to what he should do. He looked down at the bottle, as if it were its fault he hadn't thought to get rid of the murder "weapon" sooner. Bowser thought back to what Kammy had told him about the poison… _a very rare substance… pour it in his ear… only an incredibly skilled Magikoopa could detect its presence once it touches living flesh… it'll look like a heart-attack… don't dump it down the sink when you're done!_

"Oh yeah," said Bowser, "she said not to do that… Guess it's a good thing there aren't any sinks up here!" Bowser chuckled to himself.

_It's not harmful to Dragons; just humans, Toads, lesser Koopas, Fuzzies, Shy-Guys, Rhinos…_

"Hmmm," as Bowser recalled this last bit of information he got an idea. He contemplated the poison for a moment, scratching his chin as he stood in front of the open window, his back to the room. Then with a shrug, he downed the bottle. "Ugh!" the poison tasted horrible, and Bowser could feel it trickling down his throat. After a moment, the sensation had gone away, and Bowser smiled. "Good thing us Dragon-Koopas have iron stomachs! Bwa ha ha!" Bowser chucked and rubbed his belly affectionately, proud that it allowed him to be a walking trash-disposal unit once again.

Suddenly his intestines gave an almighty gurgle, and Bowser was hit with a wave of nausea. "What? Urgh… Oh, great, just… great… Urrrmmmm…" Bowser fell to his knees, one arm around his aching midriff and the other hand capped over his green-tinged snout. The king was in so much discomfort that he didn't hear Luigi making his way up the stairs. The man in green reached the observatory, and smiled as he saw Bowser, kneeling in the moonlight and oblivious to the world around him. Luigi drew his sword; he had traded in his hammer for the blade shortly after he resolved to kill Bowser. After all, the only sure way to kill a Dragon-Koopa was to cut off his head.

"And here's my chance!" hissed Luigi, too excited to heir on the side of caution. Normally it would have been his undoing, but Bowser was too sick to interpret the noise as anything more than the whispering wind. Unaware that Bowser heard anything at all, Luigi continued his murderous monologue. "My perfect opportunity to send him to the Underwhere once and for all! He's too busy praying to hear me, after all…" Luigi suddenly stopped cold, his hand still clutching the railing of the stairs. "_Praying_? Since when does _Bowser_ pray to the Star Spirits?" Luigi looked beyond the king's bowed head at the cloudless night sky and the countless stars twinkling around the Mushroom World's two moons. "If I kill him now, surely they would do something… Is that his wish? To evade _me_?"

Luigi backed down the stairs, until he was barely peeking over the floor. "Star Power only lasts so long, and then it'll be Game Over for Bowser. I'll catch him in a rage, or when he's waging war, or when he's rolling around in bed with _Mario_'s wife. And then I'll kill him!"

"Someone there?" grunted Bowser, finally growing suspicious. But by the time he shifted around for a better look, Luigi had disappeared down the stairs. Bowser frowned, but before he could put more thought towards the mystery, something shifted in his belly and he gave an almighty belch. "Uh… that felt good. Why didn't Kammy warn me that stupid poison would give me gas?" Forgetting all about the Luigi-sounding wind, Bowser got to his feet. He felt much better, but he still owed Kammy a good flaming for her dalliance, and made his way back down the stairs.

Act III. Scene iv.

Peach was sitting on her and Bowser's enormous bed, twisting her hands together nervously. _Bowser had been so upset by that play_… Peach bit her lip, wondering why the evening had taken such a sinister turn. Bowser had sent her away as soon as they had some privacy from the mass of disappointed play-goers. He had gone up to the observatory to collect his thoughts; he promised Peach he would explain everything once he had calmed down, for he knew his anger distressed her. She smiled faintly at his sensitivity, but her heart wasn't hammering on account of love, and she nearly jumped out of her skin when the door opened.

"Lui- Oh, it's _you_, Wario," she sighed, as Bowser's accomplice burst into the room.

Wario looked around frantically. "Luigi'll be 'ere any minute! I gotta hide!"

"What!? No! Get out!" ordered Peach.

"I'm just gonna hide behind tha curtain!" said Wario, waddling over to the nearest tapestry, which so happened to be emblazoned with Bowser's likeliness. As Wario pulled the curtain in front of him, he pointed at the picture. "King's orders, take it up with him latah!"

"But-"

"And make it quick! I've gotta date with Daisy planned for tonight!"

_Somehow, I doubt it_, thought Peach with a bitter smirk. But as she opened her mouth to protest further, Luigi's voice sounded from down the hall: "Peach! Peach! Peach!" The queen fell silent. She feared Luigi had become unhinged, and she knew things would not go well if she lets on that they were being overheard by Wario _– and on Bowser's orders no less!_

"Now, Peach, what's the matter?" demanded Luigi as he marched into the bedroom, seconds after Wario had disappeared behind the Bowser banner.

"You have offended Bowser-"

"_You_ have offended Mario!" countered Luigi.

"What do you mean?"

"What do _you_ mean, you wench!"

"How can you speak to me like that?" gasped Peach.

"What's the matter now?" moaned Luigi.

"Until you get your tongue in check, I'm not speaking to you!" shouted Peach, her eyes glassy as she got to her feet. "I will not be subjected to this haranguing! I have done nothing wrong!"

"Stay where you are!" ordered Luigi ferociously. "You're not going anywhere until I show you what's-what!"

He drew his sword, so that Peach could see her reflection in the blade. But with the heightened tension in the air, Peach only saw the flash of a weapon and feared Luigi was going to do something rash. "No! Stop! **Help! HEEELLLLP!!!**"

"**Wha!**" Wario jumped as Peach's famous screams filled the air.

"How now! A rat? Dead, for a ducat dead!" snarled Luigi, thrusting his sword into the wriggling curtain.

"O! You bastard!" gagged Wario, tumbling forward, ripping the tapestry as he fell.

"What have you done!" gasped Peach, backing away from the tangled pile of bloodstained silk, and the lifeless body therein. She was trembling in fear and shock, her gloved hands covering her mouth and her pink dress spotted with Wario's crimson blood.

"Darn! I thought it was Bowser back there! He was hiding behind the curtains last time, in the throne room – I saw his tail!"

"You wanted to kill Bowser!? But why? Why would you do such a thing?"

"Why?" Luigi rounded on Peach. "I might ask you the same question! Why would you murder Mario and marry Bowser?"

"Murder Mario? What are you talking about!?" The queen honestly had no idea what Luigi was talking about – Bowser had acted alone, and only now was Luigi sure of it.

But that didn't stop him from advancing on Peach, his eyes dancing with green fire. "Stop wringing your hands! And let me wring your heart! You'll regret your slatternly sins yet!"

"I've done nothing wrong!" repeated Peach in desperation, hoping someone would come to her aid before things got any uglier. _Where's Bowser!? Where are the guards? Oh, why did I loan Wendy my trusty fry pan!?_

"Yes you have! Mario loved you! He would have done anything for you! He was your knight in shining armor and what did you do? You married the foul dragon he had risked his life to save you from countless times in the past! And you did it two months after Mario – your _husband_ – died! People say you've a loving and kind heart! But I think you're just a slut!"

"You have no idea what you're talking about!" said Peach, shoving Luigi away from her person.

"You sold out!" raged Luigi. "And you sold us out at the same time! Is it not obvious Bowser killed Mario so that _he_ could have the kingdom!?! It's what he always wanted! And he needed **you** to get it!"

"Bowser loves me!" breathed Peach. "And I love him!"

"Your love is worthless! You give it to everyone, it is like dirt! Even more so now that Bowser now owns the land, just as you claim he owns your love! Funny how the kingdom changes hands so freely – funny how _you_ change hands so freely!"

"Enough!" shrieked Peach.

"Your heard must be as hard as stone for you to let any of this happen! For you to marry your husband's murderer! A golden-hearted whore! That's what you are! Mario wasn't good enough! I know _that_ feeling! But _Bowser_? That's going down, not up. You lie down with Chain-Chomps, you get up with flea-" Suddenly Luigi caught sight of a silvery form behind Peach, and turned deathly pale.

The queen wheeled around, but the ghost was invisible to her, and she heard nothing even as it called to Luigi. "_Weeegiiiiiieeee!!!!_"

"Oh! M-M-M-M-Mario!"

"_What?_" said Peach, looking back and forth from Luigi to the seemingly empty air. "Mario?!?"

"Don't you see him?" beseeched Luigi.

Peach shook her head, but Luigi's attention was snapped away from her as the specter spoke. "I told you to _not-a-bother Peach_!" chastised Mario. "Stupid-a-Luigi! You can't even-a-kill Bowser without-a-screwing it up! No wonder I was always player-a-one!"

"I'm s-s-s-sorry!" cried Luigi, his legs wobbling uncontrollably. "I h-had t-t-to m-make sure it w-w-was really y-you!"

Mario held up a pearly white hand. "Nevermind-a-Weegie! Just be-a-nicer to Peach."

"Oh, o- of course, heh heh!" he smiled sycophantically, his eyes twinkling as he turned back to the bewildered queen. "How is it with you, Peach?"

"How is it with _you_?" she replied. "Who are you talking to? There's nothing there!"

"But its Mario!" pointed Luigi, frustrated that she couldn't see it. "It's the g-g-g-ghost! The one that was terrorizing the guards a few weeks back!"

Peach shook her head. True to their words, Ludwig and all the guards who saw the ghost did not tell the king and queen about their supernatural encounters. Luigi spent days chasing them all down and making them swear to secrecy on his hammer, and now he was regretting it to no end. "You're hallucinating, Luigi!"

"I'm not! Look again!" But Mario had said all he wanted to say, and was fading into nothingness once more. "Wait! Show yourself to Peach first!"

"You're sick, Luigi! You need help! We're all worried about you-"

"Sick! The only thing I'm sick of is all the crap that's been going on around here!"

Luigi held his hands up to his face, and Peach felt a twinge of pity towards the poor plumber. "Luigi, I-"

"Promise me you won't tell Bowser what has transpired here tonight! Promise me you won't tell him I'm not actually insane – that it's just a clever act."

"I promise," said Peach, who had decided he _was_ actually insane.

"I'm sorry I was so vicious with you," continued Luigi, his old sensitivity creeping back into his mannerisms. "I must be cruel, only to be kind."

Peach nodded – anything to keep Luigi calm.

He smiled weakly and turned to Wario with a sigh. "Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool, farewell!" He looked back at Peach. "Don't worry about the body: I'll lug the guts into the next room." She watched in horror as Luigi grabbed a hold of the sopping, red curtain, and made ready to drag the carcass away. "But before I go, this may be the last time we see each other for a while – Lemmy and Iggy are taking me to Donkey Kong Island, they told me before I came to see you." With a grunt, Luigi heaved Wario's body forward, and slowly made his way across the room. Peach watched in stony silence as the morbid sight disappeared through the door, a trail of blood in its wake. "Goodbye, Peach."


	10. Act IV Scenes i and ii

**A/N****: Even crammed together, this is the weeniest "chapter" EVER.**

**Pertaining to "scenelet" # 1, everyone's sad Polonius is dead in **_**Hamlet**_**, but everyone hates Wario, so I had to change that. I also changed the beginning of this scene: in **_**Hamlet**_**, Gertrude merely asks Lemmy and Iggy's characters for some privacy and tells Claudius what happened; in my version, Bowser finds out on his own, and the Koopalings aren't involved until later.**

**For the second bit, I added more lines for Iggy and Lemmy, including their exchange after Luigi leaves (In the play, Hamlet got the last laugh).**

Act IV. Scene i.

Bowser entered the hallway to find it milling with distressed servants and agitated guards. They quickly made room for their King to pass, and as Bowser neared his bedroom, he caught sight of the blood. His breath caught in his throat, and he flung open the door, afraid of what he might find.

"Bowser!" cried Peach.

"You're okay!" relief flooded through the king as he rushed to his wife's side, dispatching the Toads that had been attending her with a wave of his arm. "What happened?"

"Luigi's truly crazy!" Peach shuddered. "He killed Wario. He- he thought it was _you_ behind the curtain."

"Gah! How could we have let Luigi get to this point!? If it had been anyone else – except the Koopalings – we would've had them looked after weeks ago!"

"It doesn't seem like Luigi could be capable of such malice!" said Peach. "The things he said to me…"

"Shhh," soothed Bowser, hugging Peach protectively. "It's okay, it's over. Luigi will be gone by morning, don't you worry."

"To DK Island," recalled Peach. "Luigi told me."

"They have better psychiatric wards in Big Ape City," said Bowser. "He'll be taken care of."

"Thank the Stars," sighed Peach. "Oh! And thank Koopa too!"

Bowser smiled at her effort to incorporate his beliefs. "Stars, Koopa, as long as I have you, I don't care who's watching my back, because whoever it is, they did a good job!"

"You're so sweet," sighed Peach, leaning in to kiss her husband.

Suddenly the door flew open and Lemmy and Iggy appeared.

"What happened?"

"Who died?"

"Uh, and what are _you_ _guys_ doing?"

"Gross!"

Bowser growled. "Luigi stabbed Wario, that's what happened!"

"He dragged the body away in a torn tapestry," added Peach.

"So make yourselves useful and find out what Luigi did with it!"

"Yes King Dad!" saluted the Koopalings, turning and hurrying out of the room.

"Now," purred Bowser, "where were we?"

Peach looked away from her amorous husband. "We were about to get out of here and let the servants clean up." Luigi's words echoed in her mind _… slut… whore_… "Now's not the time for that sorta thing," she sighed.

Act IV. Scene ii.

Luigi slid into the hallway, dusting his hands proudly. "Safely stowed."

"Luigi! Oh Luuuiiigiiii!" The plumber sighed as Lemmy and Iggy's calls floated through the air.

"There you are!" exclaimed Iggy, turning the corner.

"We've been looking all over for you," said Lemmy. "Again!"

"You have the castle in an uproar!"

"How could you kill Wario?"

"_We_ don't mind, mind you."

"But in front of Peach?"

"She is seriously freaked out!"

"King Dad is furious!"

"But that's not really important right now," said Iggy shaking his head as he got back on-topic.

"Yeah, we need to know what you did with the dead body," finished Lemmy.

"Do not believe it," said Luigi.

"Believe what?" asked the rainbow-haired Koopalings.

"That I could keep your council and not mine own," responded Luigi. "Besides, to be demanded of a sponge!"

"You think we're _sponges_?" gasped Iggy in disbelief.

"He really has gone off the deep end," muttered Lemmy.

"Bad grammar too," nodded Iggy.

"What a shame."

"Yes," said Luigi, walking up to the Koopalings. "You soak up the king's favour now, but once he's done with you and wants his countenance back, he'll squeeze you dry!"

"Yep, he's insane," said Lemmy.

Iggy nodded. "Totally."

"The body is with the king, but the king is not with the body. The king is a thing-"

"A 'thing'?" Iggy raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, don't let King Dad hear you call him _that_," cautioned Lemmy with a nervous chuckle.

"- of nothing!" finished Luigi, scowling at the interruption. "Bring me to him. Hide fox, and all after." Luigi brushed past Lemmy and Iggy and made his way down the hall. The brothers just stared after him.

"King Dad made a good call booking that asylum for him," commented Lemmy.

"He did indeed."


	11. Act IV Scenes iii and iv

**A/N****: In **_**Hamlet**_**, Lemmy and Iggy's characters are separated in the first scene, however I decided to sub Bowser Jr. in to keep the "twins" joined at the hip. Plus, BJ needed a line **_**somewhere**_** in this story. I also made Bowser a bit more lippy in his responses to Luigi than Claudius had been – he just bemoaned Hamlet's nonsense.**

**In the original second scene, how exactly Hamlet meets up with the Norwegian army is never explained – it's hardly on-route to England. There's also a weird bit about pirates that comes up out of the blue in a later scene, so I decided to put the two together, and create a plausible explanation for it all. That, of course, necessitated the addition of both Lemmy and Iggy's interchanges. I also livened up all of Fawful's conversations.**

Act IV. Scene iii.

Bowser marched into the throne room, only to find it filled with confused members of the court and castle. Roy and Wendy were there, as were their fellow guards, including Toad and Toadette. Morton waved as his father entered, as did Kammy, who was no worse for the wear from Bowser's earlier punishment concerning the distasteful poison. King Boo rounded off the people of importance in attendance, and Bowser didn't feel like waiting for Ludwig and Bowser Jr. – who were the only other ones expected – to begin.

"So, long story short, Luigi is crazy, and he killed Wario. Once we find out where Luigi stashed the body, we're sending the poor plumber to the best asylum coins can buy, overseas in Brooklyn." Bowser paused for a moment to let it all sink in. Usually he would turn it over to Peach for the sappy, mushy stuff at this point. But she was too distressed to address a crowd that night, so Bowser continued on his own. "We're sorry it had to come to this, but as they say in Japan, _c'est la vie!_"

Before anyone could speak, Bowser Jr. appeared in the doorway.

"You're late!" barked the king.

"Sorry," said Junior. "You see, I ran into Lemmy and Iggy in the hall. Luigi's being uncooperative, but they're bringing him here, now."

"_Now?_" Bowser cast a wary eye at the muttering crowd.

"Oh, nice turn-out! Isn't it, Papa? grinned Junior, also looking around.

Bowser grunted. Just then, Luigi strode into the room, flanked by Lemmy and Iggy. "Luigi! Where's Wario?" demanded the harried king.

"At supper," responded the human.

"What's he eating? Brains?" growled Bowser, before whispering to Junior, "that _is_ what zombies eat, right?"

"Oh no, _he_'s not eating, he's being _eaten_! By a bunch of political worms!" Interjected Luigi, before Junior could speak. "We all fatten ourselves up so the worms can eat us. It doesn't matter if we're king or hobo – it's all the same to them."

"Can you at least _try_ to talk sense?"

"If the fish eats the worm that ate the king, and the beggar eats the fish that ate the worm that ate the king, did not the beggar eat the king?"

"ABD, kid – Already Been Digested – it doesn't count," intoned Bowser. "Now, _where's Wario_?"

"Under the stairs," said Luigi, pointing to the west stairwell.

"_Thank you!_" said Bowser, turning to the guards. "Why didn't you check the basement? You idiots! Go get Wario's body before Luigi's precious worms induct him back into the food chain!"

"We're s-s-s-s-" "Yes King Dad!" "-s-s-s-s-" "Yes Sir!" "-s-s-s-s-sorry!" came the reply. In a moment, Roy, Wendy, Toad, Toadette and their comrades had hurried off.

"You lot can go too," said Bowser to the rest of the crowd. "Show's over!"

The audience slowly filed out of the throne room with a great deal of muttering – some disappointed, others relieved at being dismissed so soon. Junior required a bit more convincing, but soon it was just Bowser, Lemmy, Iggy and Luigi left.

"Well Luigi, this is it. We're sending you to Big Ape City-"

"To Brooklyn!" cheered Luigi.

Bowser blinked at his excitement. "Yeeeaaahhhh…"

"Good."

"You don't know the half of it," sighed Bowser.

"I see a Star that sees the half of it, and the other half too," smiled Luigi. "Goodbye, sister."

"…Ummm, **no**."

"Man and wife is one flesh, and since Peach married Mario, _they_ were one flesh. So when you married Peach, you married Mario. Mario is my brother, so you are my sister!" Exclaimed Luigi, before turning and walking towards the front doors. He called back to Iggy and Lemmy as he went: "Come on! To Brooklyn!"

Bowser snorted put a puff of smoke. "The ship's leaving before sunrise. Make sure he doesn't slow you up any more. See that he's thrown in the loony bin the moment you arrive. No side-tracks, no distractions, _no murders_, kapiche?"

"Yes, King Dad," nodded the Koopalings, before turning and rushing after Luigi. Once the room was empty, Bowser smiled to himself.

The truth was, Bowser had not chosen the Brooklyn Asylum because of its high-quality, but because their doctors were missionaries of a different breed. It had cost a fair fortune, but Bowser had ensured they would lace Luigi's first tranquilizer injection with ear-poison. Since Bowser had disposed of the first bottle, poor Kammy had to procure another vile in time for Luigi's departure. This time, Bowser left it to her to keep the leftover liquid hidden and safe, and everything was looking up.

The records would state Luigi had an unforeseeable adverse reaction to the drugs, probably a result of his excessive Mushroom usage. Peach would be devastated, but Bowser knew they would get through this death together, just as they had weathered Mario's passing. Luigi was the last obstacle to Bowser's long awaited happily ever after: a "The End" that _wasn't_ the end, but the beginning of a wonderful, happy life together.

Act IV. Scene iv.

"Fawful, go tell the king, Prince Peasley is preparing to pass through southwestern Sarasaland," commanded Prince Peasley, sweeping his blonde hair back and baring his blinding teeth as if her were attending a movie premiere.

"But he is already knowing that," complained the little Bean boy, Fawful. "We are having permission to cross the salsa land, remembering?"

"King Bowser is doing me a great favour, and he must know Prince Peasley is grateful and courteous to a T."

"And why are you speaking in the person of thirdness?" persisted Fawful, not willing to cross the kingdom for matters as frivolous as manners.

"Enough!" Peasley turned to his army. "Men, we shall move out! Go softly on."

"'Going of softness'? And he has the making fun of _my _creamy words," muttered Fawful as the prince flew away on his winged cushion. Fortunately the youngster did not have long to brood, for he soon heard a commotion approaching from the other side of the hill. He turned and saw three familiar figures hurrying up the grassy slope from the port. "HALT! Fink Rats!" bellowed Fawful.

Luigi paid him no mind, and arrived at the top of the hill in a matter of seconds, panting and staring at the army before him. "Whose are these forces?"

"As if you are not recognizing them, plumber of Green who I HATE! They are being the Prince of Peasley's herbal militia!"

"I can see that," nodded Luigi, "Beanish folk – all greenery." The Beans were still joined by the Sarasaland deserters, but Luigi ignored that detail as he upheld Fawful's metaphor. "Though I'd say more vegetable than herbal… Tell me, where are you guys off to?"

"The Land of Jewelry," replied Fawful, his headgear still pointed at Luigi threateningly.

"Why?"

"The Prince of flamboyant Peas had a bad breakup with the Prince of Pine Trees, or something that is being like that… It is all having the pointlessness of a picture of a wall upon which that very picture hangs in the house of a man who is blind!"

"Peasley is willing to throw so many into the compost heap on account of nothing more than pride and a broken heart?" said Luigi wondrously.

"He would have been marching on the Kingdom of Mushrooms, Koopas and Sarasalanders, but he had the change-of-heart. Now he is avenging the one who is him, not his Fink-mother, the ex-Queen of Bean." Fawful's voice was laced with bitterness as he rocketed away, following the troops as they made their way northwest towards the distant border.

All throughout Luigi and Fawful's exchange, Iggy and Lemmy had been making their way up the hill. After it became apparent their calls were not going to stop Luigi, the pair had started bickering, and their progress up the slope had been hampered as a result.

"He _won't_ kill us," argued Iggy.

"But he said explicitly, 'no side-tracks'," moaned Lemmy.

"It wasn't a 'side-track', it was more of a… detour."

"But landing here was certainly a 'distraction', and King Dad said none of those either."

"We _had_ to land, those pirates did a real number on the boat."

"We should have stopped them, they were just Kremlings."

"King K. Rool himself isn't 'just' a Kremling. Besides, we _tried_, didn't we?"

"Fine, but we should have kept Luigi on the boat. What if he decides to run away any further?"

"If we kept him on the ship, it'd never get fixed. You heard how much grief he was causing the repair crews!"

"I guess…" sighed Lemmy.

By that point they had reached the top of the hill, where Luigi was watching the army. Fawful was still discernable form the masses by his tattered red cloak, wavering in the wind like a flag.

"Can we go back to the boat now?" grumbled Iggy.

"You've already seen all there is to see in the port," continued Lemmy.

"And as you can see here, everything surrounding it is grassland," finished Iggy. He and Lemmy may fight, but that didn't mean they couldn't be harmonious when talking with anyone else.

"Yeah, the southern reaches of the Beanbean Kingdom _are_ pretty dull," commented Lemmy.

"It was nice of them to let us land, though."

"Yeah, I'm glad we're not gonna fight them after-all."

"Their huge army doesn't have anything to do with that, does it?" said Iggy smugly.

Lemmy shook his head. "Ours is bigger, and better trained."

"We'd beat them for sure," nodded Iggy.

"No doubt," Lemmy then turned to Luigi. "So, _are_ we going back, then?"

"Okay," sighed Luigi. "You go, I'll just be a moment."

"Um, no."

"That's not gonna happen," growled Iggy.

"Fine!" said Luigi exasperatedly. He turned and led the way down the hill, muttering to himself. "How all occasions do inform against me, and spur my dull revenge! How is that I can't do anything to avenge by brother's death and my sister-in-law's corruption, yet Peasley can march against someone he broke up with two _years_ ago!? I can't put my own life on the line, yet he condemns hundreds of Beans to the steaming pot of death! Why, that delicate and tender prince would have done the same for his mother, who died of _accident_ – Mario died by Bowser's hand and yet I let him live!? No more! O, from this time forth, My thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth!"

Luigi nearly ran the rest of the way back to port. Lemmy and Iggy exchanged bewildered looks over his latest soliloquy, and then followed the nutter down.


	12. Act IV Scene v

**A/N****: I had to add the stuff about Wario's potion so Daisy's reaction makes sense, and I subbed-in Wendy for some nameless guard and gave her some of Peach's stage directions. Waluigi's part was shortened, as his relation to Daisy and Wario don't lend themselves to **_**Hamlet**_**'s original direction. I also changed the stuff about the flowers: in Shakespearean times they were symbolic of certain emotions, but not so much nowadays.**

Act IV. Scene v.

"I will not speak with her," insisted Peach. _Her_ world was falling apart, and she had no time for Daisy and her bitter woes.

"Please, she's not acting right. She needs help, or at the very least, pity," beseeched Toadette.

"What's she been doing?"

"She babbles on and on about Wario, beats her chest and lashes out at the tiniest things."

"Sounds like Daisy on her _good_ days," said Peach spitefully.

Toadette shook her head. "It gets worse. Your highness, her words don't make any sense. The sentences are garbled, and no one can even venture a guess at what she means. She twitches something awful too. We fear something horrible has happened to her."

"It sounds serious," said Ludwig, who was sitting on the steps leading up to the thrones, where Peach was perched. "Zee last sing vee need is for people to start suspecting somezing happened to her as vell as Vario. Vee can't afford to let her spiral into insanity like Luigi."

Peach nodded. "Fine, let her in."

"Thank you, ma'am." Toadette bowed low, and then scuttled into the adjoining hallway.

Peach sighed. "Great, _something else_ for me to worry about. Masters of Disaster is what we're turning into around here. There is no end to the calamities, it seems."

Ludwig cast her a sympathetic grimace, just as Toadette re-entered, leading a bleary-eyed Daisy by the hand. "Peach!" exclaimed the ex-princess. "The beautiful queen of all my lands!"

"You look horrible, Daisy! What ever's the matter?" All thoughts of animosity fled from Peach's heart as she beheld her former friend. Her dress was tattered and looked to be soiled, her hair was unkempt, and her makeup had streamed down her face. Her ungloved hands revealed broken nails caked with grime, and she wandered about in bare feet.

Daisy regarded Peach a moment, wavering in place with slumped shoulders. Suddenly she turned and began twirling about the throne room, singing.

"_How should I your true love know  
From another one?  
By his cockle hat and staff,  
And his sandal shoon_."

"Daisy! What are you doing? Why are you singing?" gasped Peach.

"_Vat_ are you singing?" added Ludwig.

Daisy looked around, but only addressed Peach. "You don't understand? Nay, pray you, mark.

"_He is dead and gone, lady,  
He is dead and gone;  
At his head a grass-green turf,  
At his heels a stone._"

"But, Daisy-"

"Pray you, mark," repeated Daisy, before continuing her song:

"_White his shroud as the mountain snow,  
Larded with sweet flowers  
Which bewept to the grave did go  
With true-love showers._"

"_Singing?_ What's going on in here?" demanded Bowser, marching into the throne room, and frowning at Daisy in bewilderment.

"The child of the baker was turned into an owl!" said Daisy, staring at Bowser. "The Stars be at your table!"

"Wario's done something to her," remarked the king.

"How do you figure zat?" asked Ludwig.

Bowser opened his mouth to respond, but Daisy cut him off with the piping of a new melody.

"_Tomorrow is Saint Valentine's day,  
All in the morning betime,  
And I a maid at your window,  
To be your Valentine.  
Then up he rose, and donned his clothes  
And duped the chamber-door;  
Let in the maid, that out a maid  
Never departed more_."

"Kammy said a 'love potion' went missing on the night Wario died – _before _he died," explained Bowser. The Magikoopa had told him when he came for a replacement vile of ear-poison, but he didn't dare mention that part of the story. Not that he would have had time if he _had_ wanted to, as Daisy once more broke into song.

"_By Gis and by Saint Charity,  
Alack, and fie for shame!  
Young men will do it, if they come to it,  
By cock, they are to blame.  
Quoth she, before you tumbled me,  
You promised me to wed.  
So would I had done, by yonder sun  
If thou hadst not come to my bed._

Daisy bowed low, and addressed her gaping audience as she made her way towards the door. "Thank you! Thank you! I hope all will be well, though I can not help but weep, to think of Wario in the cold, hard ground. I will tell Waluigi all of what has transpired here, and I thank you for hearing me out. Good night, ladies; good night, sweet ladies; good night, good night." Blowing kisses, Daisy backed out of the room; the guards opening the door for her as she went.

"Make sure she doesn't get herself into trouble," said Bowser to Ludwig, who nodded and followed her out, Toadette following close behind. Bowser then turned to Peach. "The dog must've slipped her some of the potion earlier that night. He had told me he was getting tired of a sexless 'marriage', but I had told him I would never condole rape, nor facilitate it with my minion's potions."

"And people think you're a brute!" cooed Peach, but her face soon fell. "Come to think of it. Wario mentioned something about a date with Daisy that night. I thought he was just blowing hot air, and with everything else that happened I didn't think any more of it-"

"Don't worry," said Bowser kindly. "It's hard to take anything Wario says – er, _said_ – seriously. Perhaps we're lucky to be rid of him. By the looks of it, the pig gave Daisy too much of the potion, and now I fear she may never recover her wits… He probably slipped her the whole bottle at once, the horny bastard-"

"Why is everything going so wrong?" cried Peach. She held her head in her arms, and even as Bowser hurried up the steps to comfort her, a commotion broke out in front of the castle. "What's that!?" yelped Peach, fear replacing despair.

The doors burst open and Wendy sprinted towards the king and queen. "Waluigi's back, and the shit he's stirring up is ghastly. He believes the rumors about Wario's death – that you orchestrated it, Daddy." Wendy stopped before the steps, staring up at Bowser and Peach, panting from the adrenaline-fueled run. "He's calling for blood, and the same cads who supported the Warios' coup over in Sarasaland are supporting Waluigi now! The mob's overpowering the guards – the Toads are totally useless – they're saying 'Waluigi shall be King, Waluigi King!'!!

"Why are Sarasalanders so fickle!? Is there no faith in the world?" spat Peach, more upset than angry.

With a crash the doors were thrown open once more, this time admitting Waluigi and a colourful pack of roaring peasants. "Stay outside!" ordered the stickman, "make sure tha remaining Koopas can't interrupt me!"

The people argued and demanded to stay with Waluigi.

"NO!!!! **Get outside! NOW!!!!!!**" screamed their leader, and this time, they obeyed. Peach feared for the Koopa guards who would suffer their frustration; she wondered where Roy was in the midst of it all. She hoped he hadn't been killed.

"Now!" Waluigi turned and stormed towards the threesome at the other end of the hall. "Where's Wario? Give me my brotha!"

"Calm yourself, Waluigi!" cried Peach, as Wendy, barred his access to the monarchs with her spear.

"No! A calm drop of blood in my veins would make me a _blood-traitor_! Don't call me a bastard, my father a cuckhold and my mother a harlot! You harlot!"

"Peach did no such thing!" roared Bowser. "What's you're problem, freak? Why do you come in here with a mob at your back and insult my wife? Do you think you can overthrow me as if I were a weakling like Daisy? Lower your spear, Wendy, show him how wrong he is – if he dares try!"

"Daddy, I don't think-"

"Back off, Wendy."

"Bowser, she's right, I-" began Peach, but Bowser held up a hand.

"Do as I say!" The female Koopaling frowned, but obeyed. Waluigi didn't move an inch, but continued to glare daggers at the king. "See? He doesn't have it in him! Now tell me, Waluigi. What's the point of all this?"

"Where's Wario?" repeated the surly human.

"Dead."

"But not by him," interjected Peach.

"How can he be dead?" gasped Waluigi. "I heard rumors… But I didn't think they were… true."

"That's not what I heard," sneered Wendy.

"Why else would you assault the castle if not to avenge Wario," challenged Peach.

"Enough," growled Bowser. He knew an opportunity when he saw one. "As Peach said, I did not do it, but I know who did. It was Luigi – he's gone mad."

"**Luigi!?!**" snarled Waluigi. "I'll tear 'im limb-from-limb!"

"He's in a psychiatric ward by now, and it looks as if he won't be released for quite a while," responded Bowser. _But now if something goes wrong – as they usually do with my schemes – I now know I have a second line of defense against the plumber_. Bowser smiled at the thought, his rule was doubly ensured. All he had to do was keep Waluigi under his control, and he knew from experience that that would be quite easy. "Your brother was important to me. He was my link with Sarasaland. As you demonstrated with your mob out there, without Wario my empire runs the risk of falling apart. So you see, your return is quite a lucky break for me – if you agree to take Wario's place at court, that is."

"M-me!? In court? _In __**power**__!?_" Waluigi's face became disfigured out of greed. "Heh heh, when do I start?"

But before Bowser could answer him, or respond to Peach's distress over the return of a Wario to court, the side door opened and Daisy passed into the room.

"Daisy! My beautiful sister! I like the new look: like a saucy sea-wench! Oh, you'll appreciate my sea-crossing even more now – it involved pirates, you see! Wa ha ha!" Waluigi's sickly smile slowly faded. "But… something's wrong. No rebuff? No insult? _What gives?_"

Daisy smiled at her "brother", and then starting singing once more:

"_They bore him barefaced on the bier;  
Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny;  
And in his grave rained many a tear –  
Fare you well, my dove!_"

"You're so glad Wario's dead you're singing!? Ya ungrateful-"

"Watch it!" warned Bowser, but Daisy herself paid Waluigi's anger no mind.

"_You must sing a-down a-down,  
And you call him a-down-a._"

"That sounds more like Mario than Wario – with all tha 'a-'s and all that," commented Waluigi. "What tha Underwhere's gotten into ya, girlie?"

"Here's some flowers!" exclaimed the ex-princess, pulling a bouquet from thin air. "Rosemary and panies and fennel and columbines and rue. Well, I want some rue too," Daisy pulled a flower from the mass, and stuck it behind her ear. "No violets, I'm afraid, Wario's farts wilted them…"

"That's okay: all I want is a Daisy," leered Waluigi. Daisy seemed to be out of her mind, and with Wario gone, Waluigi saw an opportunity of his own emerging before him.

Peach, Bowser and Wendy all scowled at his advance, but Daisy spun away once more, singing as a lark without a care or worry in the world.

"_For bonny sweet Robin is all my joy.  
And will ne not come again?  
And will he not come again?  
No, no, he is dead:  
Go to thy deathbed:  
He never will come again.  
His beard was as white as snow,  
All flaxen was his poll:  
He is gone, he is gone  
And we cast away moan:  
Koopa had mercy on his soul!  
And of all Koopa souls, I pray Koopa-_"

With a gasp Daisy came to a stop before the open doors. "-Koopa be with you," she said to the group, before disappearing from the room once more.

"Hmm, I've never heard that song before…" frowned Bowser. "…Strange."

"What's strange is Daisy!" said Waluigi, his face split in a smile. "What's wrong with her?"

"She's crazy," grunted Bowser.

"Those flowers," mused Peach sadly, "I've seen them before. I think Luigi gave them to her…"

"Yech!" Waluigi thrust the bouquet away from him, as if they were dirty, infectious things (though knowing Waluigi, he probably would have _preferred_ that to flowers). The flowers lay on the ground in a pitiful heap, and Wendy and Peach looked upon them with sadness. The only though that crossed Bowser's mind was that the maids would have their work cut out for them, between battle-damage outside, and the pollen-stained carpet inside. All Waluigi thought of was sex.


	13. Act IV Scenes vi and vii

**A/N****: In the first scene I removed the opening dialogue between Ludwig's character and a servant, and replaced with a summary of the political situation. I also subbed-in Larry for a random sailor. Finally, in the play, Hamlet was taken prisoner by the pirates, but I had to change that to fit the Kremlings' persona in this story. **

**In **_**Hamlet**_**, the king doesn't tell Laertes (Waluigi) who had killed his father (Wario) until shortly before the second scene, but I included it back in ****scene ****v**** to move things along, and because it didn't really work otherwise. I also changed just about everything between Waluigi and the king, because they hate each other and Bowser isn't one for feigning niceties.**

Act IV. Scene vi.

Bowser, Peach and Waluigi were all off doing their own things by nightfall, and Ludwig was watching the throne room, in case something cropped up. Waluigi's riot hadn't done much, and no one had been seriously hurt. Still, Peach was upset that Bowser had offered him a post so readily, especially in light of the lecherous human's attitude towards poor Daisy. However, she accepted her husband's reasoning that without a Wario in some position of power, they would be hard-pressed to keep the Sarasalanders in check. As much as Peach was disgusted by Waluigi, she hated war more, and so she allowed him to join the castle.

Ludwig was sitting in Bowser's throne, having been named heir in light of Luigi's institutionalization. As usual, Bowser Jr. had thrown a fit over the appointment, and Ludwig wasn't mush happier. He had no desire to rule, much less if the path was paved with bodies... The age-old war between the Koopas and Mushroomians, the Sarasaland coup, and now Peasley's misguided march on the pacifistic Jewelry Land… Add Mario's murder, Wario's "accident", and Luigi's insanity, and Bowser's was a bloody rise to power indeed, despite the masks and labels of peace talks and treaties he decorated it with.

The side door opened, and Ludwig turned to receive whoever entered, glad to get his mind off the politics. His smile broadened when he found it was Larry interrupting his troubled meditation. "Larry! Vat a pleasant surprise!"

"It shouldn't be," mumbled Larry. "Wario sent me to spy on Waluigi. Waluigi's back, so I have no reason to stay in the Waffle Kingdom; and Wario's dead, so I have no reason to tail Waluigi."

"Good points," smiled Ludwig. "Come on up here, you're sin enough to fit in Peach's chair."

Larry shook his head. "I'm afraid I could never handle sitting in a throne. You and I may be the only ones here, but I'd still feel like I was bathed in a scorching spotlight."

"Suit yourself," shrugged Ludwig, getting up from Bowser's throne. "But at least come and sit vit me on zee steps."

Again, Larry shook his head. "I have more matters I must attend to. But first I have to tell you about my return trip. Our ship was attacked by Kremling pirates, and we had to make an emergency stop in the Beanbean Kingdom. And who should I run into at port than our brothers, Lemmy and Iggy, and their human charge."

"No vay!" exclaimed Ludwig, "vat a coincidence!"

Larry nodded his head, before pulling an envelope from his shell. "One more thing, Luigi asked me to give you this." Ludwig took the letter. The envelope was already opened. He frowned at Larry, who shrugged. "Would you expect me to _not_ open a mysterious letter from the mysteriously crazed Luigi?"

"I guess not," said Ludwig, shaking his head as he pulled out the paper. Unfolding it, he silently read through Luigi's message:

"_LUDWIG,_

_Guess what? We had just passed out of Mushroomian waters when  
we were attacked a band of Kremling pirates – led by King K. Rool  
himself! Anyway, things got a little messed-up on our ship, and I am  
sorry to say I am no longer en-route to Brooklyn. No, I suspect I shall  
be back home within the week, on the next boat passing that way. I'd  
sail with Larry if I did not fear he would turn me back over to my  
friends, Lemmy and Iggy, of whom I have much to tell you. On a final  
note, see that the aforementioned Larry gives the letters I wrote to  
Bowser and Peach to Bowser and Peach. Thank you for your time, I  
cannot wait to see you again!_

_Thine evermore most dear friend, whilst __this machine is to him  
__LUIGI."_

"It's as if he doesn't trust me to deliver the other letters," sneered Larry, as soon as Ludwig looked up from the paper.

"You _did_ read zem on zee vay," said Ludwig, returning the grin.

"But I didn't tell our dear brothers their cuckoo was planning to fly the coop."

"Still a mercenary, I see."

"5000 coins for delivering three letters and not ratting him out, I'd say it was a good deal." Larry was looking rather smug.

"And vat happens ven Bowser discovers you let zee biggest sorn in his side evade extraction?"

"I'll say I didn't think to open the letters. I had no idea Luigi's been causing problems – I've been overseas for the last month – why would I think he was up to something?"

"Nice alibi," grinned Ludwig cheekily. "Go give Fazzer his letter before he turns in for zee night – he doesn't take kindly to being interrupted vonce zee doors are closed on him and Peach."

"I can image," murmured Larry, sliding back out of the entrance hall.

Ludwig sighed and sat down on the lowest step. "And here I vas hoping sings vould settle down sometime soon… Silly me."

Act IV. Scene vii.

"I still think ya should've punished Luigi – he killed my brotha!"

"Luigi was insane! If I had him thrown in jail the people would have been so revolted they would have, well, revolted!" growled Bowser, tired of enabling Waluigi's whining.

"But-"

"Aaannnd," interrupted Bower, "Peach would have been devastated. Everything's been going wrong as of late, and I will not let any more harm come to her! I love Peach, she means the world to me."

Waluigi sneered. "Is that so, lover-boy? Then why dontcha let me get reacquainted with Daisy proper-"

Bowser rounded on Waluigi with fire in his eyes. "Do _you_ want to be punished in Luigi's stead? I assure you, talking back to the king and doing what you're hoping to do would land you just as hard a punishment as if _you_ had murdered Wario. But _you_ can't plead insanity, now can you?"

The two glared at each other, neither speaking nor letting up. It was only the timely appearance of Larry that broke the tension. "Have I come at a bad time?"

"Larry!" exclaimed Bowser, gladly turning his eyes away from Waluigi's revolting visage. "When did you get back?"

"Same time as him," said the Koopaling, jutting his chin at the scowling human. "I have a message for you… From Luigi."

"_Luigi!_" gasped both Bowser and Waluigi.

"Gimme that!" continued Bowser, ripping the proffered letter from Larry's hand. Unlike Ludwig, Larry knew Bowser would not take too kindly to his or Peach's mail being read by their messenger, even if it was his own son. So the Koopaling had taken some precautions, and had resealed their envelopes once he was done perusing the letters within.

"Here's one for Peach as well. I'd deliver it myself but I'm afraid she's turned in for the evening…" said Larry, handing Bowser a second letter.

"Okay, I'll give it to her. You go get some shut-eye yourself, it's been a long day – for all of us," said Bowser.

"Thanks, King Dad," smiled Larry, turning and slinking down the hall.

"You can go too," growled Bowser, but Waluigi shook his head.

"No way! Not until I hear what's in that letter!"

"Aren't _we_ nosey," grumbled Bowser. But if Luigi _was_ fouling up his Plan A, he'd need Waluigi's help. "Fine, but _**I**_'m reading it first!" Bowser tore open the envelope, and squinted at the tiny piece of paper it contained.

"_HIGH AND MIGHTY,_

_You should know, I am set naked on your kingdom. I wish to see you  
tomorrow, when I shall recount the occasion of my sudden and more  
strange return._

_Thine evermore foul beast, whilst __this machine is to him  
LUIGI._

_P.S. Alone._"

"'Naked'! Luigi's such a weirdo," said Bowser, shaking his head as he held the note out for Waluigi to read. "What do _you_ make of it?"

"I dunno, though I'll be glad to see him again – so I can tear him limb-from-limb!"

"Didn't you already say that? You gotta be creative with your oaths, or it sounds like your heart's not in it," advised Bowser. He took back the letter and frowned at the postscript. "'Alone'… I hope Lemmy and Iggy are alright."

"Who cares! The important thing is, Luigi's gonna pay for what he did to Wario!"

"I take back what I said before," said Bowser, his eyebrows furrowed. " – You have no heart."

"That's why Warios are always tha weenars!" growled Waluigi. "We can trace our lineage back generations! Long before you Koopas, that's fer sure! We're one of the few nobles left," here, Waluigi fondled his pointed ears – a symbol of a human race long since vanished from most of the Mushroom World. Bowser rolled his eyes, but as Waluigi continued his ranting, something pricked Bowser's own (internal) ears. "…The first Cheese Lovers … World class boxers … Always made the best pickles…"

"Wait, go back. What was that about boxing?"

"Warios rule tha ring!" said Waluigi, puffing out his chest with pride. "I'm a pro-boxer _myself_ – tha best around, if I do say-so _myself_."

"You don't say…" mused Bowser.

"No, I **do** say!" insisted Waluigi. "Pay attention you stupid turtle!"

"**Don't call me a turtle**," growled Bowser. "But today's your lucky day: as it so happens, Luigi's been dabbling in boxing himself. If you two square off in a ring, you can tear him limb-from-limb _legally_."

Waluigi's eyes glinted sinisterly. "Yeah, yeah! I'll knock his lights out! Wa ha ha! …But, I don't wanna _just_ use him as a punchin' bag – I wanna **kill** him!"

"Don't we all," said Bowser under his breath. "I can spatter your gloves with this special potion one of my Magikoopa's got stashed away for me. We were planning to poison Luigi with it overseas, but after we accidentally disposed of our first batch, I made sure Kammy keep most of the reserve here, and only send a small vile along with Iggy and Lemmy."

"Does it look like I care about the history of your stupid potion?" said Waluigi, crossing his arms pretentiously.

Bowser growled. "You better watch it, bub, or I'm gonna drizzle some of my 'stupid poison' into your dinner the moment you do away with Luigi for me… Assuming you _eat_ dinner."

"Are you blackmailing me?" hissed Waluigi.

"Not at all. I'm just tired of your attitude problem. _Honestly_, you're worse than _Kamek_!" growled Bowser. "Look, we both want Luigi gone, and this potion will make it look like he had a heart attack caused by your intense fight. All you gotta do is land a punch that breaks the skin, or get the poison in his mouth, nose or ear – the skin's thinner there, so the poison can leach through, or something like that."

"It's perfect! Wa ha ha!"

"Yeah, but to be safe, I'll spike a drink with the poison as well. If you don't land a hit, I'll trick Luigi into drinking it."

"You doubt my boxing skills?" said Waluigi, obviously offended.

"I'm a Koopa of very little faith, I'm afraid," said Bowser dryly. "But don't worry, if you get him, then I'll have to drink the poisoned drink myself to keep it from being discovered. It won't kill me, but it gives me the nastiest stomach problems I've ever-"

"Daisy's drowned!" cried Peach, appearing out of the stairway ahead the two schemers.

"Peach! I thought you were asleep. What's wrong?" said Bowser, rushing forward to support his wife, who was shaky and pale.

"I was almost asleep, then I heard Daisy's voice from outside. I looked out and saw her hanging flowers on a tree beside the moat. But an envious sliver broke, and she fell from the branch into the water. She floated there, singing snippets of little tunes like she was doing earlier today, but more disjointedly. I called to her, telling her to get to shore before her dress became waterlogged, but she didn't listen! She just floated there. I called for help, but she was dragged under by her gown before any of the guards reached her." Peach broke into tears, but even as Bowser cradled her in his all-encompassing arms, she endeavored to finish her story. "I don't understand w-why… D-Daisy was a good s-swimmer, but it was as if- as if she didn't realize she was in any d-danger. She just let herself s-sink! …And then the b-bubbles – they, they _stopped_."

"Shhh, it's okay, it's okay," soothed Bowser, as his wife was rocked by a fresh wave of sobbing.

"She drowned?" said Waluigi in disbelief.

"Drowned, drowned!" wailed Peach, burying her face in Bowser's chest.

"Hm," said Waluigi turning to leave. "What a waste. The water's too cold a grave for someone so hot."

Bowser growled at Waluigi's insensitivity. With a sigh, he lowered his gaze from the retreating human, and continued stroking Peach's hair while she wept into his scales. Daisy and Peach had been best friends, and even as Daisy spurned Peach, the queen had felt for her. Now she was dead, and Bowser knew Peach couldn't help but feel she was partially to blame for letting her friend suffer at Wario's hands for so long. But Bowser knew if anyone was responsible for all that was going on, it was him. In his attempts to acquire Peach's love he had brought her so much hurt. It was ironic, but Bowser knew they could get past it. They had to get past it.


	14. Act V Scene i

**A/N****: Kudos to anyone who recognized the **_**Boxing**_** reference I made: the **_**Game & Watch Gallery 4**_** version pits Luigi against Waluigi (and other opponents). Pertaining to **_**this**_** scene, I changed the whole gravedigger incident and Waluigi's part in the funeral.**

Act V. Scene i.

"So, yo, is she getting the Royal Treatment?"

"I dunno, yo. She technically ain't royal no more."

The two Hammer Bros. pondered Daisy's fate, pausing in their excavation of a fresh grave. Their new livelihood was certainly duller than their stint as part of King Bowser Koopa's elite forces, but it was safer. They had transferred out of the castle when Bowser signed the peace treaty with the Mushroom Kingdom. They had figured peace was bound to be more dangerous than war, because at least you knew who, when, where, why and how you were fighting when the countries were at each other's throats. And so far, peace was indeed turning out just as bloody as the wars of yesterday, but now it was the winners who were dying, and the losers who were ruling the roost. All in all, the Hammer Bros. figured they had made a smart choice.

"So… Do you think it was suicide, yo?"

"I dunno, yo. I thought she could swim."

"Me to, yo."

"But her brains _had_ been addled, they say, yo."

"By what, yo?"

"I dunno, yo. The remaining royals have been keeping hush-hush, ya dig?"

"I do dig, yo," grinned the first Hammer Bro., sticking his shovel back into the bottom of the hole. Mushroomian graves weren't very deep: the Koopas were almost done, and they could still see out of the hole if they craned their necks.

In fact, the second Hammer Bro. had been taking a look at the surroundings throughout their entire conversation. "Look! Yo!" he said suddenly, pointing with his shovel at two figures wandering through the graveyard. It was Luigi and Ludwig.

"The muddled prince and his befuddled friend, yo!" remarked the first Hammer Bro.

"Ahh, but which is which, yo?"

"_Yo!_ Ludwig is muddled, Luigi befuddled."

"Right! Sorry yo, I forgot Luigi's just the heir, and not a 'prince'."

"In that case," smirked the first Hammer Bro. "can you go get me some water, yo?"

"Get it yourself, yo."

"No, yo."

"Fine, yo. But _you're_ finishing up the hole."

"_Yo_, the whole hole?"

"Yeah, yo. The whole, holy hole for the pretty, petrified princess."

"Yo! Nice alliteration, yo!"

"Thanks yo!"

Ludwig and Luigi then watched as the second Hammer Bro. ran off, while the first continued digging, singing as he worked:

"_In you, when I did love, did love, yo,  
Methought it was very sweet, yo  
To contract, yo, the time, for, ah, my behove,  
Yo, methought, there was nothing meet._"

"Hammer Bros. have the ghastliest songs," said Luigi, making a face as they neared the grave. "Rhyming 'yo' with 'yo'! Pah!"

"It's zee second-to-last vords zat count in most cases," explained Ludwig. "Zee Hammer Bros. cultured enough to write music don't include zee 'yo's – zat's zee artist's folly."

"Still, singing while he digs _graves_?"

"It's his job," shrugged Ludwig. "Custom has made it easy."

Luigi shook his head as the Hammer Bro. began another verse.

"_But age, with his stealing steps, yo,  
Hath clawed me in his clutch, yo,  
And hath shipped me intil the land, yo,  
As if I had never been such, yo._"

Suddenly, the Hammer Bro., threw a skull out of the grave, it landed at Luigi's feet, and the plumber shrieked in fear. "**What in the Underwhere!?!**"

"It's a skull," said Ludwig, bending down for a closer look. "I heard zee graveyard vas over-packed, but re-using graves? Are vee _animals_?"

"_A pick-axe, and a spade, yo,  
For and a shrouding sheet, yo,  
Yo, a pit of clay for to be made  
For such a guest is meet, yo._"

With that, the Hammer Bro. tossed up another skull.

"Uh! _Another one_!" moaned Luigi.

"_Mass graves_? And zey called Koopas uncivilized," snorted Ludwig.

"Um… I got a question. If Toads are mushrooms, how can they have skulls?" asked Luigi, his curiosity briefly overpowering his horror.

"Zeir burial rituals involve curing zeir Mushroom-capped heads so zat zee fungi harden like bones. It doesn't last for too long, sough. Zeese skulls must still be fresh…"

"Who's grave's this?" demanded Luigi, peering down at the Hammer Bro.

"Mine, yo," replied the Koopa, before singing some more of his song:

"_Yo, a pit of clay to be made  
For such a guest is meet, yo._"

He looked back up at Luigi, and observed his frustration over the answer to his question. "I'm in the grave, so it is mine, yo."

"Graves are for dead people, so it's not _really_ yours," growled Luigi. "You're lying!"

"Lying in the grave, yo," grinned the Hammer Bro.

"Fine, then, who are you digging it for?"

"My employer, yo. I think his name's Spike – he drives a yellow excavator!"

"I mean, who's gonna be buried in here?"

"A loonatic, yo," said the Hammer Bro., shaking his head. "Funny how a one such as she would displace a one such as he." The Hammer Bro. peered over the edge of the grave and pointed to one of the skulls at Ludwig and Luigi's feet. "That one there, yo – he was Sir Toadsworth."

"_Toadsworth!_" gasped Luigi, and to Ludwig's surprise the plumber reached down and picked up the lifeless head. Without his usual air of fear, Luigi held the skull aloof and stared into its empty eye sockets. "Alas, poor Toadsworth, I knew him Ludwig: a fellow of most infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."

"I sought he vas a crazy old man, too uptight to get vit zee times," said Ludwig wryly.

Luigi paid him no mind. "Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment? Why don't you tell everyone that they'll end up like you! Tell Peach no matter how many Victorian dresses she tries to stop time with that she'll wind up just like you! Tell her it doesn't matter how much makeup she wears, she'll wind up a skull like you! Like Mario! Dead and forgotten until you're dug up to make room for the next fool!"

"Screaming at a dead man is not going to do you much good," said Ludwig. "Put zee skull down, vee should go before zee officials get here to oversee zee burial."

As the Hammer Bro. clambered out of the completed grave and went to find his friend and the cup of water he owed him, Luigi sniffed at Toadsworth's skull. "Pah! That smells!"

"Luigi!" sighed Ludwig. But a distant noise made him turn around. "Zey're coming!"

"But soft! But soft! Aside: here comes the king!" chirped Luigi, dropping the head and rushing off to crouch behind some nearby bushes. Ludwig knelt beside him and they watched the group approach. King Boo led the way; behind him the coffin was being borne by four Sledge Bros., with Bowser and Peach following close behind. Roy, Wendy, Larry, Morton, Bowser Jr. and Kammy were also in attendance, and Waluigi slunk behind the royal train. "Who could it be? To merit such a star-studded funeral procession?" but Luigi would not have to wonder for long.

"We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of Ex-Princess Daisy Floral!" announced King Boo, as the casket was lowered into the ground.

Luigi gasped. "No!"

"Her mind was destroyed by the time she expired, and crazy is as crazy does, so that's all I have to say," continued King Boo. "She was… Nice, I've heard. I remember her being a bit of a pain myself, sorta headstrong-"

"Couldn't we have gotten someone better to do this?" whispered Peach to Bowser. "This is hardly a befitting sendoff for my best friend!"

"Hey! A Boo-Bye-Bye is an honor in itself! I'm an important ghost, and only royalty should get dispatched by royalty such as I, but Bowser asked me to grant him this favour, and I have! So take that speech and shove it up your-"

"No!" shrieked Waluigi, leaping into the grave. "I won't let you bury her! She may be dead but she's still the love of my life!"

"Stop! You necrophiliac! Get away from her!" Luigi burst from the bushes, and leapt into the grave as well. "No one loved Daisy as much as I did! I won't let you touch her! EVER!!!" The two started scrapping, kicking and biting and clawing at each other upon the coffin.

"Stop it! **Stop it!**" shrieked Peach, horrified they could do Daisy wrong even after she was dead and gone.

"Get out of there!" roared Bowser, reaching down, grabbing both humans by their collars, and yanking them into the open air. "You shameless pigs!"

"I was just stopping that sicko!" spat Luigi, struggling in Bowser's grip.

"He just can't leave my family be!" yelled Waluigi, kicking out at Luigi. He was so tall, his feet nearly met their mark.

"You both disgust me!" growled Bowser, tossing Daisy's suitors onto the ground. He rounded on Waluigi fisrt. "You started it! Luigi's crazy, but you're just sick!"

As Luigi spring forward, Bowser extended a restraining arm, scowling at the crazed plumber almost as darkly. Luigi wrapped his arms around Bowser's in frustration, and barked insults at Waluigi from there. "'Swounds, show me what you'll do: woo't weep? Woo't fight? Woo't fast? Woo't tear yourself apart? Woo't drink vim? Eat a Kremling? _I'd_ do it for Daisy!"

"This is madness, Luigi!" begged Peach. "All of you! Stop!"

"You always bullied me, Waluigi, and I'll have no more of it! Let the Stars do as they may, the cat will mew and dog will have his day!" Luigi turned and stormed away.

Waluigi sprang up to pursue him, but Bowser planted his massive claw firmly in the man's chest to hold him in place. The king turned to Ludwig, who had stood to watch the ordeal in full-view of the others, but who still lingered behind the bush. "Ludwig! Watch him!"

"Yes, Fazzer," nodded the eldest Koopaling, running after Luigi.

Bowser turned and hissed at Waluigi. "Remember what we spoke of last night – you'll get your revenge in good time." He threw Waluigi from him with genuine disgust. "So you better stay in line!" Everyone assumed Bowser had uttered some warning to the gangly human, and as the king turned and marched away, they were none the wiser that he and Waluigi were co-conspirators. Peach, Kammy and the Koopalings hurried after Bowser, King Boo disappeared into thin air, and Waluigi was left sitting on the cold, dead ground, as the Sledge Bros. filled Daisy's grave.


	15. Act V Scene ii

**A/N****: And now the grand finale. In the play, Hamlet and Laertes make amends; not so between Luigi and Waluigi – it wouldn't fit their characters. I continue to make Ludwig less of a friend to Luigi than Horatio to Hamlet, and make Bowser more devoted to Peach than King Claudius, who didn't shed a tear when his queen drank the poison. I'd also like to note that my "Kremling Ale" was inspired by "Romulan Ale" from the **_**Star Trek**_** franchise. Finally, I changed and shortened the part before the fight, and redid almost the entire ending. I hope you enjoy it!**

Act V. Scene ii.

"So, do you want to hear about my trip? I've been so preoccupied I haven't told you yet! Can you image?"

"Yes." Luigi may have cheered up greatly since that morning's scene in the graveyard, but Ludwig's mood was rather dark.

"Anyway, so after the pirates attacked, we had to make birth in southern Beanbean," began Luigi.

"I already knew zat," sighed Ludwig.

"Ah, but what you don't know is what I did while we were there! While the repair crews were fixing the ship, I snuck into Lemmy and Iggy's room, and found out what's-what."

"Really?" Ludwig had been curious about what had transpired on that ship to allow Luigi return. As much as he was growing to dislike the plumber, he was willing to put that behind him in the name of the truth.

"They were trafficking _poison_!" exclaimed Luigi. "Poison meant for _me_! But I took the bottle, and once the ship was out to sea, I poisoned the _supplies_ with it, and jumped overboard. Fortunately there was another boat in port by the time I swam back to the shore, and I sailed for Toad Town," finished Luigi. "But I'm afraid Iggy and Lemmy won't be returning. I hope you're not upset: they did make love to this employment; their defeat, does by their own insinuation grow."

"Is zere any particular reason you keep svitching to Elizabethan English?" said Ludwig. "Is it for zee double-entendres? Because I, for vone do not appreciate zem."

"I am sorry, I should not speak ill of your dead brothers. I should know more than anyone how much that stings."

Ludwig smiled grimly. The ear-poison wasn't deadly to Dragon-Koopas, so his brothers _hadn't _become Luigi's latest victims. He wasn't about to share this knowledge with their would-be killer, however.

"Luigi!" Morton had just turned the corner, and was approaching the pair with a smile upon his face. "Welcome back! I didn't get to welcome you earlier – what with all the confusion and yelling and anger at the funeral. That _was_ crazy, wasn't it? Anyway, things have calmed down now, haven't they? So, welcome back, Luigi!"

"Thanks," said Luigi without enthusiasm. Morton Koopa's cheery, talkative persona never meshed well with Luigi's quiet, antisocial temperament; he just hoped the Koopaling would leave them alone before long.

"King Dad, or King Bowser, as you would know him. Or perhaps King Koopa? Or Bowser? Or plain Koopa if you're at odds with him, as many are, unfortunately. However it gets pretty confusing after a while – most Koopas have the last name 'Koopa'. And then there's our messiah, Queen Koopa, who most call 'Koopa' – and you wouldn't want to mix her and King Dad up, no siree! You used to be able to call him 'Bowser Koopa, King of the Koopas', but now he's not just the King of the Koopas, but of everything else too! Well, not _everything_, but it's pretty close! Well, more like a third of the world, I guess, but that's still a big kingdom! BJ's named Bowser Koopa too, so if you wanna talk about Dad you might wanna call him 'Bowser Koopa Sr.', but BJ isn't a King, so perhaps 'King Bowser Koopa' is enough distinction? There's never been another King Bowser Koopa in history, so yes, I think that would be a sufficient way of addressing my father without fear of being misunderstood by anyone… Unless they don't know him at all, but you can hardly expect-"

"Get to the point already!" said Luigi exasperated by the Koopaling's babbling.

"King Dad has a message for you, Luigi. For Luigi Mario to be exact, and that is you! You don't have a middle name, do you, Luigi? Me neither, King Dad neither as well. Ludwig's is 'Von', most people think that's just an add-on to his last name, like Ludwig **von Beethoven**, but nope, Koopas don't do that. But they wanted him to me more like Beethoven, so they made 'Von' his middle name, Pretty sneaky, huh?"

"Oh yeah, you're parents are real fiends," nodded Luigi, "can I have my message now?"

"Lemmy's middle name is 'Alistor', for out great-great grandfather, Alistor Magripa – he was a great wizard," continued Morton, paying Luigi no mind. "Roy and Iggy don't have last names, but Roy sometimes puts down "Orbison" as a joke, and Iggy's full name is 'Ignatius', so that makes up for a lack-of-a-middle-name. Wendy's name starts with an 'O.' but if I tell you what it is, she'll kill me. Larry's like Iggy: his actual first name's 'Lawrence', and our parents thought that was posh enough that he didn't need a middle name. BJ and I have 'Jr.' in our names, so they're long enough that we don't have middle names. They never explained why Roy doesn't have a middle name, though. _I_ think it's cuz-"

"**I don't care!** I just want the message!" screamed Luigi.

"Wow, _testy_. Fine then, have it your way. Waluigi has challenged you to a boxing match. The ring's been set-up in the throne room, and everyone's ready and waiting, if you'll accept his challenge..."

"I do!" said Luigi, murder in his voice.

"Great, I'll tell them you're on your way!" said Morton. He opened his mouth to say more, but Luigi's blood was running hot, and one look at his face told the talkative Koopaling it would be wiser to leave while the going's good.

Once he had retreated back around the corner, Luigi looked to Ludwig. "How can you _stand_ him?"

"Years of practice: after a vile, you get pretty good at ignoring him – or risk constant migraines."

"I'll bet," snorted Luigi, setting off towards the throne room, following Morton's path.

"I don't sink zis is vise," said Ludwig. "Valuigi's von countless boxing tournaments, you von't stand a chance!"

"Don't worry, Ludwig: I've been practicing!" said Luigi confidently.

The Koopaling sighed in frustration. Luigi was irritating, but he'd rather not see Waluigi be handed an easy ego-boosting win. The Marios may have been irritating, but the Warios were insufferable.

They turned into the throne room to find it as Morton described. At the base of the steps leading up to the throne was a large boxing ring, within which stood Waluigi, already in his blue leather gloves. Luigi pulled out his trusty red gloves, and jumped up to face Waluigi. The people in the crowd – all Koopalings – cheered and applauded from their positions around the ring, where they sat in high chairs erected by Kammy. She had fabricated the entire set herself, and Bowser supposedly sent her away to get some rest. They both knew the _real _reason was so that she wouldn't be present to offer medical assistance to Luigi when he was felled by the ear-poison.

The King himself was sitting in his throne beside Peach, at eye-level with the ring. And at Luigi's appearance, he called out to the combatants. "Let's have nice, clean fight, now! As motivation, the first person to draw blood with a hit will have to drink this horrid Kremling Ale." Bowser held up a glass of green liquid, within which he had added a few drops of the ear-poison of the same colour. If Luigi drew blood first, he would have to drink the potion. If Waluigi landed the first bludgeoning punch, Luigi would die from the poisoned glove before his murderer could reach the edge of the ring: in the ensuing chaos, Waluigi's punitive drink would surely be forgotten by the audience, and Bowser would be free to dispose of the evidence. But now, to make sure no one would suspect foul play, Bowser took a small sip of the drink. He shuddered, "man, that's gross."

"C'mon, let's get on with tha fight!" jeered Waluigi, itching to begin.

Luigi swallowed hard, but got into a fighting stance all the same.

"And, **begin!**" roared Bowser.

"I can't watch!" said Peach, closing her eyes as the two humans circled around the ring. "Of all the sports they could have chosen, why'd it have to be one as barbaric as _boxing_!"

"At least it's not wrestling," said Bowser unhelpfully.

To everyone's surprise, Luigi landed the first blow. "Wah!" yelped Waluigi.

"There's no blood," said Morton from the sidelines. The other Koopalings nodded and pointed. Ludwig was standing beside Morton to keep a closer eye on the fight; Roy, Wendy, Larry and Bowser Jr. sat a little ways away. The rest of the castle was preparing for the immanent arrival of Prince Peasley, who was bringing his victorious army to thank Bowser for letting him cross Sarasaland in person. Being as fond of frivolities as Fawful, the king felt sending his guards to greet the Prince was good enough – he had more important things to deal with.

At Bowser's signal, the combatants resumed their struggle. "Luigi might win," he muttered as the plumber landed another hit.

"He's fat, and scant of breath," said Peach, the vile sport making her bitter.

"Only compared to the twig we _lovingly _call Waluigi. As for the heavy breathing, he's just scared," replied Bowser. "Luigi! Come drink your penalty drink!"

"It's only a bruise beneath the skin, he doesn't need ta drink," protested Waluigi, eager to finish Luigi off himself.

Bowser growled and slumped back in his throne, resting the glass on the arm. "You sound as if you _want_ him to be sick to his stomach from that Kremling crap," said Peach, rolling her eyes. _Or should it be "krap"?_ Peach smiled at her unvoiced joke, and took another look at the drink. Bowser's focus was on the fight: Waluigi was finally landing some hits and it wouldn't be long until he landed the fatal blow. Smiling once again, Peach decided to show Bowser that negative reinforcement was unnecessary, and she slowly reached for the cup.

With a cry, Waluigi socked Luigi in the mouth. Blood filled the plumber's mouth, and in his rage he lunged at Waluigi, who was busy cheering his 'victory' and wasn't expecting Luigi's sneak attack. The self-titled "green machine" turned Waluigi's arm on himself, and started pummeling the Wario until his own lips were split. "Stop hitting yourself!" cackled the plumber. "Stop hitting yourself! Stop- uugghhh!!!" Luigi fell back, beginning to feel the effects of the ear-poison.

"Nooo!" wailed Waluigi, wiping at his face, not realizing he was merely smearing _more_ poison into his wounds. "Noooo!!! **Nooooo!!!**"

"What's going on?" "What's wrong with Luigi?" "Why's Waluigi so upset?" the onlookers cried out in confusion, as Ludwig leapt onto stage to tend to Luigi. Suddenly, Peach fell forwards in her chair with a moan.

"Peach!" yelped Bowser; then he saw the empty glass. "_No,_" he whispered in horror.

"The drink – you poisoned it! It was you all along!" she gasped, tears filling her eyes.

"Peach! I- I didn't mean-"

"Murderer!" shrieked Luigi, pulling himself off the ground with the power of a Super Mushroom Ludwig had shoved down his throat. He sprang at Bowser, pulling out his sword as he flew through the air. Bowser didn't even look up; he was held prisoner by Peach's unseeing eyes. The king didn't even try to defend himself. Peach was dead because of him. There was nothing left for Bowser to live for.

Luigi's blade sliced through Bowser's neck. Copper blood spewed everywhere as the body slumped to the floor and the head rolled down the steps. The Koopalings were shouting blue murder, and only a gesture from Ludwig kept them from attacking Luigi. The eldest Koopaling's insides were burning with the knowledge he had enabled the final, bloody act with the Mushroom. He didn't offer assistance to Waluigi, and left the human to die as he jumped down beside his slain father.

Luigi looked up at Ludwig, his blood-strewn face contorted with pain and a sense of maniac accomplishment. "It had to be done. Tell the world that your father was the murderer. He killed Mario, he killed Peach. I don't know how, but he's killed me too."

"Valuigi's gloves vere drenched in ear-poison," explained Ludwig, gazing down at Luigi without pity.

A commotion was heard from outside the castle doors. "It must be Prince Peasley, back from Jewelry Land" Exclaimed Morton, looking up from Waluigi's twisted and lifeless body.

"Jewelry Land!? That war should never have happened. Ludwig, tell Peasley his mind had been affected by our treacherous former king. Tell him I discovered that information only after speaking to Fawful, for our conversation had made me curious. Tell him I then saved this kingdom form corruption – that I am a hero, and that Prince Peasley is the new heir! We owe him and the Sarasalanders under his command our very country for all that's been done. Tell him – tell everyone – what has transpired here. The rest is silence."

Ludwig looked around the room: six Koopalings would be the only surviving witnesses. He turned his eyes on Luigi and smiled cruelly. "I vill do no such sing."

"_What?_"

"Do you sink I vould betray my family so lightly?" sneered Ludwig. "If so, you _are_ mad." Luigi stared in horror, blood bubbling in his mouth as he lost the fight against the poison. As Luigi's head fell back against the stairs, Ludwig's unfeeling words was all he could hear. "Good night sveet plumber: and flights of stars sing zee to zy rest!"

"Good riddance!" spat Roy, to the roaring approval of his siblings.

At that moment, Prince Peasley and Fawful entered the hallway, escorted by Toad and Toadette, and accompanied by Donkey and Diddy Kong.

"Oh my! What's with that hideous platform?" said Peasley in disgust.

Fawful destroyed it with a blast from his headgear. "Rururu! Is that being better, Prince of Prissiness?"

Peasley turned a deeper shade of green as he watched Waluigi's flailing body fall through the air. The group then got a look at the throne. Toad screamed and fainted at the sight of the bloody corpses, and Toadette burst into tears over the dead queen. Peasely's attention was commanded by Bowser's decapitated body, "w- what has transpired here?"

"Valuigi poisoned Peach and Luigi, and inadvertently himself as vell," lied Ludwig, knowing that vilifying Waluigi was sure to win back the renegade Sarasalanders. "But before he died, Luigi killed zee King in a fit of rage. Our poor Fazzer vas so distraught about Peach zat he did not sink to defend himself." Ludwig held his head high, and embraced the future he had hoped would never come. "I am zee ruling monarch now."

"Oh, Your Majesty," said Peasley, bowing low. "Know that I am deeply sorry for your loss."

"And I'm afraid the bad news isn't over yet," grunted Donkey Kong. "Your brothers, Lemmy and Iggy have been murdered by King K. Rool. Their ship was adrift when the Kremlings attacked, but they had already plundered that vessel, so there was nothing left for them to take."

"Rool was angry that he had wasted his time, and took his anger out on your brothers," continued Diddy.

"From what we could tell," added DK, "the rest of the ship's crew had died of heart attacks shortly before the raid. It looked like the food was responsible…"

"Luigi poisoned it," said Ludwig darkly. He looked down at the body. "I hope he _rots_ in zee Undervere."

"Amen," droned the Koopalings.

"Rururu," snickered Fawful, "a disgraced death for the Fink-Rat Green! I HAVE LOVE for this mustardy **ENDING OF HAPPINESS!!**"


End file.
